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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23977360">Stellar Eyes</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/You_Light_The_Sky/pseuds/You_Light_The_Sky'>You_Light_The_Sky</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Final Fantasy VII (Video Game 1997)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe, Angst, Blind!Tifa, Don't copy to another site, F/M, Happy Ending, Romance, hints of depression and ptsd, soft science fiction, tifaweek2020</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 18:53:57</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>20,243</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23977360</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/You_Light_The_Sky/pseuds/You_Light_The_Sky</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>AU. When an astronaut volunteers to be Tifa’s Eyes, she wasn’t expecting to meet Cloud again. COMPLETE</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Tifa Lockhart/Cloud Strife</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>112</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>223</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Childhood</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Inspired by Tifa Week 2020's Day 1 prompt: “Have you ever wished for an endless night? Lassoed the moon and the stars and pulled that rope tight.” - glitter in the air by pink.</p><p>This story’s main premise is inspired by the short story In Her Eyes by Cixun Liu. I recommend you read it if you ever get the chance. No knowledge of that story is necessary to read this.</p><p>This AU is a mix of our earth and Gaia. Their planet is called Gaia but the planets in space are named after our planets. Also, Shinra is like… NASA and way less shady than in canon, otherwise this fic would go on forever and no one wants that.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong> <span class="u">Black</span> </strong>
</p><p>Darkness is a word that Tifa is familiar with but has never had an opposite to compare it to. Her world has always been dark, devoid of any colours. There are flickers of light tones, a little bit ‘less’ of dark, of black. But she doesn’t remember what sunshine looks like, what colours the sky is, or the sun.</p><p>She’s told she used to have a little bit of sight as a baby, but her eyes were so unhealthy back then that she went blind.</p><p>‘Colours’ became like a fairy tale to her, as intangible as stories of humans who can walk on the moon and magic. She imagines colours to feel like the warmth on her skin during the spring, or the wind flowing through her hair in the autumn. She imagines colours to be like the piano singing under her fingers or her guitar. She imagines colours to be as uplifting as singing in the choir.</p><p>Tifa knows what people, even her family, say about her. If pity were a colour, she’d imagine it to be murky and darker than black, trying to sludge into her insides and weigh her down like the sea.</p><p>
  <em>How can our Tifa ever live a normal life? </em>
</p><p>
  <em>It’s your fault she was born this way. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Don’t sit with the blind girl, she always stares and smiles at nothing. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>What a shame for such a beautiful girl to be deficient.</em>
</p><p>But Tifa has her piano and her voice and her guitar. Tifa has Aerith and the feeling of warm laundry and sunshine.</p><p>She doesn’t need to be fixed.</p><p> </p><p>…But sometimes, when the words get a bit too much, when the whispers are too loud, when even her piano can’t blot out the jeers and the sneers, she lets herself cry.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong> <span class="u">Blue and Ruby</span> </strong>
</p><p>There’s someone new standing nearby as Tifa practises her octaves and scales on the piano. She’s about to start practising her new pieces and wonders if she should add some variations to the melody (even if it drives her teacher Marle crazy.) Aerith usually accompanies Tifa during practise, braiding her hair as Tifa plays. Aerith is the only one in town, besides Marle, who talks to her like Tifa’s important, like Tifa isn’t a doll for dress up.</p><p>Tifa loves her for it.</p><p>But today Aerith has to help run her mother’s flower shop and volunteer at the church so Tifa plays alone. The presence she hears by the door is new. She suspects this person is the cause of the distracting breathing from the window that she hears sometimes, but she doesn’t have any evidence for that.</p><p>Instead, Tifa pauses and says, “You can come inside and sit if you want.”</p><p>The presence makes a noise, a startled grunt. Their voice sounds soft and masculine, like the autumn wind just before winter.</p><p>She waits and after a minute or two, the presence slowly inches towards her piano bench and sits by her, close enough for her to feel their warmth but not close enough to touch.</p><p>“I’m Tifa,” she says, stamping down the excitement of possibly making another friend.</p><p>“…I know.”</p><p>“You’re supposed to tell me your name now.”</p><p>“Uh C-Cloud…”</p><p>“Oh? Like… those things that are in the sky?” Tifa thinks that’s what clouds are. She’s not sure what they look like. Aerith says they look fluffy, like cotton candy or pillow fluff but that always makes Tifa imagine fluff falling from the sky in soft little tuffs instead of rain.</p><p>“Um… yeah…”</p><p>Tifa nods. “You don’t talk very much, do you?”</p><p>“S-sorry…” His voice falls like a baby bird left alone in the nest for too long.</p><p>“It’s not a bad thing!” Tifa quickly says, reaching out to touch him. Her hand falls against what she assumes is his arm. He tenses but slowly relaxes. Tifa smiles, feeling more secure, like Cloud is a real person, now that she can feel his arm. “My friend Aerith loves to talk while I practise and sometimes she can be a bit distracting. Don’t tell her I said that. You feel calm… like the ocean.”</p><p>One of Tifa’s favourite things to do is listen to the sounds of nature on the internet. She likes hearing what the planet sounds like in orbit versus the vibrations of the sun. Sometimes she listens to dolphin clicks or flamingos walking. But her favourite thing to listen to are ocean waves, fading in and out. Cloud’s breaths, his quiet voice, feel just like that.</p><p>“You’re like the colour blue,” she ends up blurting out.</p><p>“Blue?”</p><p>A hot blush hits her face. “Ah, what a silly thing to say, forget I said that.” He’s not Aerith. He won’t understand.</p><p>“No!” Rough hands keep hers in place. “Please. Tell me.”</p><p>For a moment, Tifa considers pulling away, making up an excuse to run back home. But she feels his pulse through his thumb, racing faster than the annoying second hand on the clock. She <em>hears </em>the soft tremble of his voice, this note that Tifa hasn’t ever heard directed towards her before.</p><p>She lets her hand relax again against his.</p><p>“I… can’t see colours. Obviously. But I like to try and find other senses that could be colours. My friend Aerith, her laughter and her jokes, they’re so bubbly. I feel like she’s the colour pink, because I read that’s what pink is supposed to make you feel. And you… you’re blue, because you’re quiet… but it’s not the kind of quiet that’s dead or vanishes. It’s the kind of quiet that the world has when you sit outside, the quiet of the wind, the hush of its breath. It’s a calm quiet… it’s blue. It’s you.”</p><p>She hears him take in a breath and her mouth feels dry. Maybe she shouldn’t have told him. The boys that she hears in her class are all jerks anyways, why did she try opening up—</p><p>“Like how you’re ruby,” Cloud shifts closer.</p><p>Tifa nearly falls off the piano bench. “Sorry?”</p><p>“Ruby,” Cloud says again, a little stronger, his fingers tightening around hers. “It’s a red gem, it sparkles… it’s so bright, so hard not to notice. Like your eyes. Gems reflect the sun’s light and warmth, that’s what sparkling means. You feel like that. You radiate… warmth. You feel like the colour red… If it was a ruby.”</p><p>“…A ruby…”</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>Tifa’s eyes go wide. So many thoughts bounce back and forth in her head. She wants to say so many things but words seem so inefficient. No one’s ever said that to her. No one but Aerith has ever understood. She wants to say, ‘thank you.’ She wants to say, ‘come back and listen to me play every day.’ She wants to say that he ‘sparkles’ too.</p><p>Instead, she whispers, “Do you want to hear me play a sonata?”</p><p>He says yes.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong> <span class="u">Stars</span> </strong>
</p><p>Cloud comes back every Thursday when Aerith goes volunteering. He seems incredibly shy, only ever showing up at the same time as Aerith by accident. Whenever Aerith is in the same room, he sits by the window, not daring to come close and shuffles nervously under Aerith’s teasing. Otherwise, he only seeks out Tifa on Thursdays, when it’s the two of them.</p><p>He’s a welcome presence by her side. Tifa never feels like he’s bored, even if he doesn’t say much. By the third week, he stops being so reserved and presses against her shoulder while she plays. Sometimes she tries to teach him the part to a duet, clapping with joy when he masters a simple phrase. They play <em>chopsticks </em>and <em>twinkle twinkle little star </em>together as well as a few made up duets that Tifa simplifies for Cloud to join in.</p><p>She learns that he’s in the same grade as her but a different classroom, hence why she’s never run into him before. (Honestly, she’s thankful for that. He won’t know how strange she is.) She learns that he lives with his mother, who he adores, never talks about his father, and that his favourite subject is science.</p><p>They don’t talk much outside superficial conversations and yet Tifa feels comfortable around him, her shade of blue, her ocean.</p><p>Nothing changes until one Friday night, when Tifa stays out too late at school to practise and walks home on her own. Normally she’d call Aerith to pick her up, or a taxi. She never calls her parents. But Tifa feels brave tonight. She doesn’t understand what’s so dangerous about the night when she’s always seeing the dark anyways.</p><p>She walks home alone, carrying her bag of music books.</p><p>Counting her steps, listening to cars, Tifa uses her walking stick to maneuver herself through the park. Blades of grass tickle her feet through her sandals as if to say hello. Tifa smiles and keeps going forward, the sound of crickets her only company.</p><p>The smell of fresh grass never fails to invigorate her senses. One of her favourite things to do is visit Aerith’s garden and smell all the flowers, trying to imagine what every flower species feels like. Floral scents are gentle and bubbly like Aerith, just as ‘pink’ and excited to feel the sun.</p><p>The hint of iron in the air, damp and bitter, makes Tifa stop in her tracks. She swings her walking stick experimentally, wondering if anything else is nearby when her stick hits something firm. Frowning, she prods the object again, only to hear a pained and familiar groan.</p><p>“Cloud?”</p><p>More noise. Probably Cloud sitting up. “T-Tifa! W-what are you doing h-here?”</p><p>“I’m walking home. What about you? Why do you smell like blood? Are you hurt?” She’s careful not to swing the walking stick around too much and crouches down, feeling around for his arm. Her hand touches something soft, Cloud’s hair, and she slowly reaches down to his shoulder. “Where are you hurt? Do you need a bandage? I have some in my bag… Aerith makes me carry them around and—”</p><p>“I’m fine!” Cloud squeaks as Tifa’s hands wander to his face. She feels something wet trickling under his nose and frowns.</p><p>“You’re not fine! I’ll get some tissue!”</p><p>“No, wait you’ll get blood on your books!”</p><p>“It’s not like I can <em>see </em>the books. I just need the braille!”</p><p>“But still, it’s so red and dirty, I—”</p><p>“I’m <em>ruby</em>, remember, Cloud? I don’t mind getting your blood on me. <em>You </em>need to stay healthy and blue. Now here,” she gently dabs his nose with the tissue. “You’ll have to wash your face when you get home, I don’t think I can get all the blood off.”</p><p>“…It’s fine,” his voice, muffled under her care, whispers.</p><p>Tifa can’t help but trace her fingers over his face, while her other hand holds the tissue against his nose. She’s never properly felt his face before. Cloud is a faceless entity to her, a warm voice like the ocean. But now that she can feel his eyelids, his lips, his nose… she thinks his face suits him. He feels kind.</p><p>“…<em>Tifa?</em>” Cloud chokes.</p><p>“Ah, sorry. I just… I don’t know what you look like. I should have asked first. That was rude, sorry. You can hold the tissue if you want—”</p><p>“No,” his hand lifts up to steady hers. “You… you can look. I don’t mind.”</p><p>Tifa smiles and she hears Cloud give a breathy sigh.</p><p>They both sit on the grass, waiting for Cloud’s nosebleed to stop.</p><p>“Are you feeling better, Cloud?”</p><p>“Mn…”</p><p>She takes that as a ‘yes.’</p><p>“What happened? Why were you lying there?”</p><p>No answer. She feels his shoulder tense under her touch. Tifa wonders then, if Cloud is like her, if he’s outcasted by his classmates. Hers leave her alone… but what about Cloud? What if he’s being bullied?</p><p>She wants to tell him that he can ask for her help anytime. She’ll come running. She’ll be there. But what can she really do when she’s not in the same class, when she can’t see attacks coming towards him?</p><p>Instead, she asks, “What does the night sky look like?”</p><p>“…The sky?”</p><p>“Yeah, the night sky. I always hear people talk about how dark it is but I can’t imagine it. I know, I’m <em>blind</em>. All I see is the dark, so it should be easy to imagine? But then Aerith and the girls in my class talk about the <em>stars </em>and the <em>moon</em> and I can’t picture those at all. Are they even real?” The silly question slips out before Tifa can stop it. The moon and stars have to be real, too many people talk about them for them not to be.</p><p>She nearly takes back her question, laughs it away, when Cloud presses against her shoulder in that quiet way that always makes her feel secure.</p><p>“The night sky…” he starts, “is like the dark when you close your eyes but peppered with tiny white pricks of light. Little pricks like the shots you get at the doctor’s, that’s how small they seem to us. The pricks of light dot every tiny centimeter of the sky, like spilled rice on the floor. When you look up at the night, it feels like there are spirits, something <em>more out there</em>, watching over you and you feel less alone. There are multitudes out there… just waiting to be discovered.”</p><p><em>Oh</em>.</p><p>Tifa feels her breath being taken away.</p><p>“Amazing.”</p><p>No one’s ever described the night like that before. It’s always <em>don’t walk out alone, it’s dangerous, </em>or horror stories about what happens to children in the dark. The night sky suddenly seems tangible and real because <em>it’s just like her</em>. She’s walking in the dark but all the voices, the warm presences around her, Aerith and Cloud, they’re her stars, watching over her.</p><p>They’re <em>real</em>.</p><p>Cloud ducks his head down with a grunt. “It’s nothing…”</p><p>“No, really, the night sky sounds amazing and so alive when you describe it, Cloud! If that’s what stars are like, no wonder people want to go up there, into space! What do you think being on the moon is like? Or Mars? Do you think we’ll ever go up into space?”</p><p>“… Do you want to go see the stars one day, Tifa?”</p><p>“I doubt I could ever go up to space. But if I could, just <em>imagine</em>. It’s like you said, endless possibilities. I wonder what real stars look like.” She wonders if they’re as wonderful as the human stars she has in her life.</p><p>She suddenly feels Cloud take her hand and she tilts her head in his direction.</p><p>Cautiously, Cloud begins to trace a shape on her hand, pausing occasionally to add little dots in the shape. His skin, rough with calluses, feels like wild feathers caressing her with care and Tifa can’t help but suck in a breath.</p><p>“…That’s a constellation,” Cloud says slowly, connecting the strange quadrilateral shape together with a long line like a spoon on her skin. “The big dipper. People use it to navigate… so they can always find north…”</p><p>“Kind of like braille,” Tifa thinks of the set number of dots, put in constant patterns so she can read her way through her dark world. If they aren’t in the right place every time, she feels limbless.</p><p>“Yeah,” Cloud agrees, continuing to draw more patterns of constellations on her skin.</p><p>“What’s that one?”</p><p>Happily, Cloud tells her.</p><p>:</p><p>“Cloud?” she asks, lying on the grass to him, eyes closed as he traces more constellations on her hand.</p><p>“Hm?”</p><p>“Do you want to do this again next week?”</p><p>His grip on hers becomes tight.</p><p>She knows it’s a ‘yes.’</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong> <span class="u">Grey</span> </strong>
</p><p>That spring, they meet up every Friday evening to stargaze. Cloud always whispers the best stories, researching constellation myths from different countries and sharing them with her. He always explains his astronomy knowledge using metaphors of other senses and Tifa feels like she can feel, touch, and smell the night sky just from his voice alone.</p><p>“Can you promise me something?” she asks, because she’s noticed how smart Cloud is, how he absorbs information about the stars like a sponge and makes quick calculations on the fly.</p><p>The way Cloud’s breathing startles tells her he’s listening.</p><p>“If you ever become famous and leave, if you ever get to see the stars, come back and tell me about them. I want to know all about your adventures.”</p><p>Cloud shifts, turning towards her. “I’m not going to leave,” he says firmly.</p><p>“We don’t know what will happen in the future,” Tifa repeats what her father always jeers at her when she tells him she wants to become a pianist. “It’s just in case.”</p><p>He moves their hands closer together, brings them up to his chest, where Tifa can feel his heartbeat.</p><p>“I’m not leaving you Tifa. Not ever. That’s my promise.”</p><p>Hot warmth floods through her, burning into her cheeks. She wonders if she’s blushing. Aerith always tries to bring out Tifa’s blush, Aerith would be in glee if she saw this scene now.</p><p>The air is thick with… with <em>something</em>, some colour and sensation that Tifa doesn’t have the words for but she knows that Cloud is sincere. He means this. Whatever this is, it’s important.</p><p>“Okay,” she rubs her thumb against the back of his hand. “I’m not leaving either.”</p><p>:</p><p>That summer, they’re inseparable. Cloud begins opening up more, telling her about his dreams to study astronomy and engineering at a good university. Tifa tells him she wants to be a famous pianist and write music. Aerith teases them both constantly. The three of them often sit by the piano or Aerith’s garden together, but the stargazing is still Cloud and Tifa’s time.</p><p>Those Friday evenings become sacred. Tifa’s sure that Cloud wouldn’t mind too much if Aerith was invited but she feels like she’d lose something delicate and fragile, something she wants to keep blooming with all her might. Besides, Cloud only ever seems to be fully himself when it’s just Cloud and Tifa. Cloud only ever seems to open up under the stars.</p><p>But then autumn comes.</p><p>:</p><p>On the first Friday of autumn, Tifa hears Cloud calling her from the park. She hears his footsteps rushing towards her in excitement. She also hears a car driving too fast, too close, and Cloud’s yelp, and his footsteps <em>aren’t moving fast enough—</em></p><p>Tifa’s feet know each road and crosswalk and stop sign. Tifa’s feet rush forward just as the car’s sound comes towards Cloud, and Tifa thinks that the dark can’t have her star, her Cloud.</p><p>She pushes him out of the way.</p><p>The car hits her instead.</p><p>:</p><p>The hospital is loud with constant beeping and machines that measure her heartbeat, a private part of her, broadcasted for all the nurses to hear.</p><p>Tifa drifts in and out. She remembers shouting. Her mother’s sobs, promises to be a better parent. Her father’s shouting, blaming, always blaming others for things that aren’t their fault. Her father yelling at a ‘bastard’ to leave before he does any more harm…</p><p><em>No</em>, Tifa wants to croak, <em>don’t make him leave.</em></p><p>She thinks she hears Cloud, breathing near her. And the sound of a silent sob, then the feeling of wet lips against hers.</p><p>“I’m sorry.”</p><p>His voice, murky, is so tired and defeated. It should never sound like that. Her Cloud’s voice is steady and warm…</p><p>“It’s my fault…”</p><p>
  <em>Silly Cloud, I’m just glad you’re alive…</em>
</p><p>“I’ll become stronger. I’ll protect you. Just wait for me. I promise, I’ll protect you next time.”</p><p>When Tifa opens her eyes, the hospital room is silent.</p><p>There’s no one there at all.</p><p>:</p><p>Aerith’s the one that tells Tifa that Cloud and his mother moved away.</p><p>At first, Tifa doesn’t believe her. Is this a joke? Some sort of late April Fool’s day prank? But the sad tremble of Aerith’s voice and her soothing hug says it all.</p><p>“Did he… did he at least leave a message? Any way to contact him? A phone number?”</p><p>“Oh Tifa…” Aerith murmurs softly. “I’m sorry. He didn’t.”</p><p>That day, Tifa cries in her best friend’s arms for the other anchor she lost. That day, Tifa knows what the colour grey feels like.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Adulthood</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you so much for the positive feedback everyone! I was so anxious about this story's reception that I couldn't sleep. I'm glad that you all seem to like it so far, I hope you continue to enjoy it!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong> <span class="u">Eyes</span> </strong>
</p><p>“Are you going to sign up?”</p><p>Tifa putters about in the kitchen, putting together a sandwich for herself and her roommate Aerith. While they’ve been living together since they graduated university (with a piano degree and a botany degree respectively), they rarely get to eat together due to conflicting schedules. These moments together are treasured.</p><p>Oddly enough, Tifa is always in charge of cooking… for someone who <em>can</em> see, Aerith’s cooking is unspeakably bad. Aerith always chides her for teasing, saying that Tifa has superhuman taste-skills so <em>of course</em>, Tifa’s cooking is better.</p><p>“For that Stellar EYES program? Aerith, I don’t know… it seems dangerous…” She doesn’t know how she feels about anyone, even if they <em>are </em>a licensed doctor, putting a neural implant on her neck.</p><p>“But it would be worth it! You’d see what the Shinra astronauts are seeing! A live broadcast of the stars they see, streamed into your brain! You’d know what colours look like!”</p><p>“And it’s supposed to be a two-way exchange. Shinra opened the Stellar EYES program so homesick astronauts could see footage of Earth from the eyes of their loved ones or volunteers in different countries. I guess the homesickness and depression rates on the Mars trips have been really high so seeing images from around the world through someone else’s eyes helps. It feels more real that way, as if they’re walking on earth again. The astronauts would have to be able to see what <em>I </em>see and… I can’t see. They wouldn’t get anything in return.”</p><p>“Well, you could always have a camera follow you around? The livestreamed Tifa show!”</p><p>“How about no?” Even if Tifa couldn’t see the camera following her around, she’d hate it.</p><p>Aerith laughs. “Just kidding, just kidding! Who knows if a top grade Shinra astronaut is a pervert or not? I’d smash that camera myself! But seriously, Teef, you should try. They might make an exception for you.”</p><p>Her teeth clench together. “You mean they might feel sorry for me.”</p><p>“That’s not what I mean! You’re an award-winning pianist! Orchestras all over the world want to play with you! Famous directors and video game companies want you to compose for them! You could play a private concert for the astronaut who chooses you, and the neural implant could be a temporary one week trial. Either way, at least you get to see the stars.”</p><p>“I… don’t want to see them that badly.”</p><p>“Liar,” Aerith grabs a sandwich from Tifa’s plate. “Then what’s with all those astronomy books you have? And the space documentaries you listen to? And don’t think I don’t know about your weekly trips to the observatory!”</p><p>Hot blushes heating up her cheeks, Tifa hisses, “How do you know about that?”</p><p>“Oh please. I get the best spy network from the gossip around my flower shop <em>and </em>the research lab I volunteer at. As soon as I heard about the beautiful and haunting blind lady sitting in on the observatory shows, I knew it was you.”</p><p>“What does ‘beautiful and haunting’ even <em>mean?!</em>”</p><p>“The way your piano concerts sound when you play your theme! That sad one that I love so much.”</p><p>“Aerith, that’s not my theme! It’s just—” a composition that Tifa wrote about a memory, of long ago, of times lying down on the grass and feeling a hand draw out the stars.</p><p>“It’s… just…?” her friend sings.</p><p>Shaking her head, as if to shake away the blush, Tifa mutters, “Oh never mind. If you insist, I’ll <em>try</em>. But I guarantee that they won’t consider my application.”</p><p>“Bet you ten gil that they will.”</p><p>“Don’t come crying to me when they don’t.”</p><p>“Teef,” Aerith leans against her arm, “they <em>will</em>. I promise. And you will be ten gil poorer.”</p><p>She hugs her friend back with a sigh. “I highly doubt it. But I’ll try just for you, because I love you.”</p><p>“As you should!”</p><p>:</p><p>The night, Tifa listens to an automated computer voice read her the questions and terms of the application. She dutifully speaks into her microphone, letting the speech-to-text software type up her response. Later, she’ll have Aerith edit it for her.</p><p><em>Why should we choose your application over everyone else? </em>The last question makes Tifa pause.</p><p>“…I can’t see,” she confesses softly. “I wasn’t born blind, but my eyesight deteriorated to blindness by the time I turned two. I’ve never known what the stars look like. But that’s not why you should choose me.</p><p>“I’m not here to beg you to let me see colours for the first time or find a cure. I don’t need to be cured. I have friends. I have a successful career. I have my music. But I knew someone, a long time ago, who I wanted to promise me to tell me about the stars. I wanted him to go up into space and tell me about them because I thought his future was so bright, that if it was <em>him</em>, he’d be able to achieve anything.</p><p>“It was a silly thing, asking him to do that for me. I don’t even know where he is now. I thought we’d be friends forever. I thought… that his dreams would be mine and mine his. But the world doesn’t work like that. If I want something, I have to make the steps my goals myself. Just once, I’d like to see the stars the way he did. I want to know if the stories he told me were true. Just this once.</p><p>“I don’t expect you to choose me. I can’t offer any of your astronauts the ability to see through my eyes. But if I could be chosen, even for a day, if I could see the stars, I would compose the greatest melody for them. That song would mean the world to me.</p><p>“I feel like then… I’d know what he saw. I’d be a little closer to that person, despite the distances between us now.”</p><p>Tifa lets out a long sigh and saves her application. She clicks ‘send,’ despite the grammar and typos that are surely in the document.</p><p>She’s not sure if she could share those words with anyone else.</p><p>:</p><p>The phone’s ringing gets drowned out by the orchestra’s swells. Tifa finishes her part in the second movement of the piece, when she realizes that it’s <em>her </em>phone that’s ringing. With a quick apology to her boss and the conductor, she decides to take the call. Aerith never calls during work, preferring to text, and Barret only calls in the evenings when he needs someone to help Marlene with homework. If either of them are calling now, it must be an emergency.</p><p>“Hello?”</p><p>“Tifa Lockhart?” comes the clipped and unfamiliar voice.</p><p>“Yes? Who’s calling?”</p><p>“You submitted an application towards the Stellar EYES program. We’d like to inform you that we have accepted you and would like you to come to Shinra’s West building at nine o’clock tomorrow.”</p><p>Tifa nearly drops her phone.</p><p>“You… you did?! Are you sure?!”</p><p>“Your name is Tifa Lockhart?”</p><p>“Yes?”</p><p>“Pianist? Twenty-four years old?”</p><p>“Yes?”</p><p>“I’m sure. Nine o’clock tomorrow. Don’t be late.”</p><p>:</p><p>“I told you, I <em>told </em>you,” Aerith shakes Tifa’s arm in glee, as she guides her through Midgar’s busy streets. As soon as Tifa told her the news, she insisted on being there for the meeting too, closing her flower shop for the day.</p><p>“How did you even <em>know?!</em>”</p><p>“I maaaaay know someone in the Shinra space program. And be dating him. For the past… three months.”</p><p>“What?! And you never told me?!”</p><p>“I wanted it to be a surprise! And we weren’t sure if Zack would be able to convince his boss to let your application through! But he did! And now you’re surprised! Happy Tifa day!”</p><p>“<em>Aerith</em>,” Tifa’s eyes swell with tears. “I don’t know what to say…”</p><p>“Say <em>nothing </em>but smile! I know how much this means to you, even if you pretend it’s not a big deal. I want you to be happy. You never go on any of the group dates I set up… so this is just as good.”</p><p>“Oh Aerith…”</p><p>“Don’t look so sad now, smile!” her friend cups her cheeks. “All I want is to see you happy, Tifa. And look at you now, your spirit is <em>glowing</em>.”</p><p>Tifa chuckles while wiping away tears. “What does that even <em>mean</em>.”</p><p>She doesn’t need to see Aerith to know she’s sticking her tongue out.</p><p>:</p><p>Aerith guides Tifa to the front desk of Shinra’s West Building. Tifa can’t help but feel awed to be in the same space as so many famous scientists and researchers who made the moon mission possible. To think that now Gaia is sending human beings to Mars… and soon, the outer planets…</p><p>The receptionist is quick to let them through after a bag check and a walk through a metal detector. They have to sign a mountain load of paperwork promising to keep the lives of the Shinra astronauts and other space programs confidential. Then Tifa and Aerith are given special visitor’s passes and told to meet Zack Fair in his office.</p><p>“Should I give him the shovel talk first or thank him?” Tifa wonders.</p><p>“Both is good. I like it when he’s scared.”</p><p>“Light of my life,” a man gasps behind them, “why would you <em>say </em>that?”</p><p>Tifa hears Aerith give the most delighted laugh she’s ever heard from her as Aerith runs up to the man, probably to hug or kiss him. Yup, Tifa hears an after-kiss sigh, definitely a kiss.</p><p>“Because it’s true. You’re cute no matter what,” Aerith teases. “Zack, this is my beloved friend Tifa. Treat her well. Tifa, this is my wonderful boyfriend, Zack.”</p><p>“It’s nice to meet you,” Tifa offers her hand.</p><p>Zack’s grip is as firm and enthusiastic as his voice. “Thank <em>you</em>, actually, your application was a huge favour to us. We’ve got a guy on our space team who’s been refusing to do the Stellar EYES program until he read your answers and he’s the guy who needs the program the most.”</p><p>Anxiety twists Tifa’s stomach. “But… I’m blind. He won’t be able to see anything through my eyes—”</p><p>“That’s not an issue, no worries. All he wants is to hear your voice.”</p><p>Her heart skips a beat. “My voice?”</p><p>“Yeah…” Zack says sadly. “He… doesn’t have any family left. So a friendly voice is all he wants. That, and your piano. I guess he’s a fan? I am too, by the way, so if you could bribe me with an autograph—oomph!” Tifa assumes Aerith punched him, “I mean, if you could give me an autograph because I have no ulterior motives to sell it, that would be amazing.”</p><p>That… makes more sense. Tifa’s reputation as a pianist has been compared to the likes of Ryuuchi Sakamoto, Yiruma, and even Nobou Uematsu. She doesn’t deserve that level of praise but it’s humbling. She’s thankful that she doesn’t have the same level of fame as a pop star idol, she doesn’t think she would survive people recognizing or mobbing her.</p><p>“Who is it?” Tifa’s mind is bubbling with questions. How will the neural implant work? How long will she have it for? Will she get to talk to her astronaut too?</p><p>“Come in my office you two. I’ll let you meet him.”</p><p>Aerith lets go of Zack to guide Tifa over to his office. Tifa finds herself feeling nervous. She thought all the astronauts in the program were still in space… how could she meet one in person? Perhaps they’re astronauts who haven’t launched yet, assigned to a mission not announced to the public until the right time.</p><p>“Sweetie,” Aerith says tersely, “there’s no one else here.”</p><p>“He can’t come in person,” Zack replies, shutting the door behind them. “He’s actually on a mission to excavate some asteroids.”</p><p>“I haven’t heard of any missions like that before…” Tifa receives a monthly subscription to Shinra’s Space program magazine. None of the articles have mentioned anything about asteroid excavation. She wasn’t aware that a rocket had landed safely on one with a human still alive.</p><p>“That’s because they’re not as televised. Not nearly as sexy as travelling to Mars. It’s a one-man mission too, so our guy’s probably going a bit stir-crazy. We’ll be calling him. No video though, he’s shy. Ah, don’t tell him I said that, he’ll kill me.”</p><p>That doesn’t sound too bad.</p><p>“Will he be on speaker phone?”</p><p>“No, he doesn’t feel comfortable with that. I’ll call him and hand the phone to you and then Aerith and I will give you some space to talk. If you feel that you two are a good fit, then I’ll explain how the program works and we’ll proceed. Don’t worry, there will be no pressure to commit. You can back out at anytime, Aerith was very stern about that.”</p><p>Tifa feels a rush of affection for her friend and much more comfortable knowing that this Zack will be the one to help with the program instead of some unknown scientist.</p><p>“Well then, what are we waiting for? Give him a call,” Aerith cheers.</p><p>“Yes, yes,” Zack pulls out his phone and begins dialling.</p><p>Nervously, Tifa begins to play with a loose thread on her jacket. Aerith sits next to her, rubbing a soothing hand against her back when Zack places the phone against the back of Tifa’s hand.</p><p>“Thank you,” she takes it.</p><p>“I’ll leave you to it. Come on, hun, I’ll give you a private tour of the facility,” Zack leads Aerith away.</p><p>“How <em>private </em>are we talking about here,” Aerith giggles as the door shuts.</p><p>Heart pounding, Tifa lifts the phone against her ear. She can feel her pulse rushing, echoing in her ear drums and she takes a deep breath. “Hello sir. I’m Tifa.”</p><p>There’s a hushed breath on the other side of the line and then—</p><p>“<em>Tifa</em>,” that breathy whisper, that calm tone.</p><p>The phone nearly slips from her fingers.</p><p>“…<em>Cloud?</em>”</p><p>She’s imagining things, getting nostalgic because what is this program but a way to get closure from her childhood friend? What is this program but a way to rationalize why he left without a word?</p><p>“Yeah,” he sounds as choked up as she is. “It’s me.”</p><p>There’s so many things she could say. She used to imagine their reunion. Maybe she’d hear his voice in the grocery store and run over to hug him tight (making sure its him first, she wouldn’t want to hug a random stranger.) Maybe she’d get a letter in the mail, forwarded from her old house, and it would explain everything. Maybe she’d bump into him in the halls at the university and she’d just <em>know, </em>without him speaking, that it’s him.</p><p>She could shout, but the anger faded long ago. She could cry, but she only feels numb echoes of that sorrow now. She could hang up and walk away right now…!</p><p>But his voice, oh his <em>voice</em>, it’s so nostalgic, like coming home. It’s the melody she’s been chasing in her compositions, it’s the feeling of security that she won’t drown in the ocean.</p><p>She laughs, choking back all the tears, because she won’t taint this moment with her tears.</p><p>“You’re late. Welcome back.”</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong> <span class="u">Sunshine</span> </strong>
</p><p>“…I’m back,” he whispers, his breathy voice tired and worn but <em>relieved</em>.</p><p>A few more teary laughs escape from her. “Is this why you never wrote to me? You decided to go into space?”</p><p>“It’s… complicated. I can’t explain. I’m sorry. But I… I meant to.” His tone is heavy, like he’s been carrying the weight of Gaia for eons, with no one to talk to.</p><p>Tifa doesn’t know what to say. She can feel his sincerity, she doesn’t think he’s lying. But what could have happened to make Cloud push her away like that? Did he feel guilty about the car accident? It wasn’t his fault! But Tifa fears bringing up the past will chase him away and she wants to cling to his voice for as long as he’ll stay.</p><p>She can’t ask.</p><p>“So… you’re in space. You’re so far away…” She never imagined that he wasn’t even on the planet anymore. “You kept our promise.”</p><p>“…Hm?”</p><p>Her heart sinks with the implication that perhaps he doesn’t remember. Who would remember something said as children, a random conversation, except for her? “Ah, never mind. It’s not important. I just can’t believe you’re my partner for Stellar EYES! Are you sure about this? I won’t be able to show you what I see…”</p><p>“It’s okay! I… just want to hear your voice. That’s all. And… I want to hear your piano again.”</p><p>Her heart feels as warm as a summer’s day. “Yeah, that’s… that’s what Zack said.”</p><p>“…Zack?” he questions, likely wondering how Tifa got on first name basis with a Shinra scientist.</p><p>“Oh, he’s Aerith’s new boyfriend! I didn’t even know until today. She was so sneaky.”</p><p>“…That explains a lot.”</p><p>“It does, doesn’t it?”</p><p>They sit in silence for a bit, but for once, the silence doesn’t feel suffocating. It’s comforting somehow, like slipping on a forgotten childhood blanket.</p><p>Tifa starts to chuckle.</p><p>“What’s wrong?”</p><p>“Nothing, nothing… it’s just, I had so many questions for when I’d hear from you again… and now that we’re talking… I have no idea what to say. I’m just… grateful. And happy. Thanks for reaching out again, Cloud. Thanks for choosing me.”</p><p>She hears an embarrassed murmur, but she thinks she heard a quiet, “Always.”</p><p>:</p><p>Cloud and Tifa don’t talk about much, falling back into familiar patterns of silence. When Zack and Aerith return, Cloud confirms that he’d like Tifa as his partner and hangs up.</p><p>The process for the Stellar EYES implants will be simple. Tifa will undergo surgery under Zack’s supervision. The implants will be placed against her neck and then Tifa will be able to choose when she wants to ‘see’ through Cloud’s eyes.</p><p>“It’s not like real sight. You won’t be suddenly cured of blindness. Your brain will just project an image you can see, when you close your own eyes, of what Cloud is seeing. I’ll even give you a special phone so you can communicate him with these wireless headphones whenever you and he wish.”</p><p>“That makes sense…” Tifa nods.</p><p>Aerith makes a small noise of concern. “What’s the risk for this surgery?”</p><p>“Well neural implants are all the rage for VR and Augmented Reality programs lately among rich folks. These days it’s odder to <em>not </em>have them. So the procedure itself is quite safe. You’ll be fine.”</p><p>“Can we get that in writing so we can sue you if it all goes terribly wrong?” Aerith asks brightly.</p><p>“Babe! I promise, it will be fine…! But yes, let’s get this in writing so we can sign some papers…”</p><p>The back-and-forth between Zack and Aerith has Tifa laughing, momentarily forgetting her anxieties.</p><p>“By the way, you can get the implants removed whenever you wish. Cloud didn’t specify how long he wants the contract to be, so that’s your ballpark. Professionally though, and as his friend, I recommend you stay his partner until the end of his mission.”</p><p>That… is more than Tifa is expecting. She thought that she would be lucky enough to have one day or even a week! “When does his mission end?”</p><p>“In four months or so.”</p><p>“Then I’ll do four months.”</p><p>“Yes! Thank you, thank you, thank you!” Zack grabs Tifa’s hand and shakes it up and down like a skip rope. “He’ll be so pleased. Let’s get to it! What better time to do the procedure than now?”</p><p>“Now?!” Tifa squeaks.</p><p>“The sooner we get those implants in, the sooner you can help out Cloud. Come on then.”</p><p>“Don’t worry Teef, I’ll be here to make sure he doesn’t dissect your brain.”</p><p>“Babe, there’s no one’s brain I’d rather dissect more than <em>yours</em>.”</p><p>“Why Mr. Fair, if I didn’t know better I’d say that you’re into me,” Aerith jokes.</p><p>:</p><p>The procedure goes smoothly, so smoothly that Tifa almost believes that the whole thing is a prank, that she has no implants at all, that she woke up normal… until she feels the thin layer of metal stuck to the back of her neck. The implant feels all too breakable, like a flimsy aluminum sticker, but Zack assures her and Aerith that it won’t break easily.</p><p>“We want this implant to last at least four months. All Shinra’s implants have a life expectancy of three years at least. Just come in once a month for inspection. Showering is fine, just live your normal routine. I’ve given Cloud your contact info so he can call you when it’s convenient for him. You can turn the Stellar EYES on by tapping the back of your neck twice and turn if off by tapping it four times. Easy, right?”</p><p>“Right…”</p><p>Aerith strokes Tifa’s hand and hugs her. “Don’t worry, Doc, I’ll be there to remind her of your instructions! Anything else we gotta know?”</p><p>“Nope! Cloud will call you when his end is ready and you two can organize a time for you to see through his EYES. Oh, and please let me know how Cloud is doing mentally and emotionally. Nothing too detailed, just a status on his mood. If anything happens that is too much for you to deal with emotionally, just let me know and I’ll have Cloud talk to a specialist. You’re not a licensed therapist so it is not your job to deal with anything more than what you signed up for.”</p><p>Tifa’s eyes go wide. “Is Cloud doing alright?”</p><p>“Yes, absolutely,” Zack says too quickly. “I just have to say this to all the participants in the Stellar EYES program. It’s a pretty emotionally intimate experience. You’re seeing through each other’s eyes…”</p><p>She’s heard of the rare few participants who started confusing their reality with their partner’s. Those stories were part of why Tifa had a few reservations about signing up to be part of Stellar EYEs. The only reason Tifa thinks she won’t be part of that statistic is that she <em>knows </em>her reality.</p><p>She lives it every day.</p><p>:</p><p>The call comes late in the evening, at nine o’clock. Tifa’s fingers trip into a discordant note mid-practise as she scrambles to grab her phone. At first, she accidentally picks up her own phone, and has to hunt for the Shinra issued phone Zack gave her. But finally, her hands grip on that less familiar sleek new phone and she brings the phone up to her ear.</p><p>In her best nonchalant voice, she breathes, “Hi.”</p><p>“…Hi Tifa.”</p><p>Pressing her fingers lightly against her piano’s ivory keys, not enough to make a sound, Tifa asks, “How are you?”</p><p>“Fine. And you?”</p><p>“Oh, I’m fine!”</p><p>“…I hope I didn’t wake you. It’s late, isn’t it?”</p><p>“Not at all. I was actually practising for my next concert. I keep late hours. Luckily Aerith doesn’t mind, she says the piano helps her sleep…”</p><p>“I missed it.”</p><p>Tifa’s voice clogs in her throat.</p><p>“I… really missed hearing your piano, Tifa.”</p><p>“…I missed you too, Cloud.”</p><p>The silence between them really is nostalgic, so nostalgic that Tifa can’t help but ask what she was afraid to before.</p><p>“Cloud… why did you move away? Why didn’t you write me?”</p><p>“Tifa…”</p><p>“I know, I <em>know</em>, you said you can’t explain. But still… I hope you can one day. I missed you so much. You were… you <em>are </em>my dearest friend, maybe even dearer than Aerith. If I did something wrong, or I upset you—”</p><p>“<em>Never</em>.”</p><p>“But—”</p><p>“Trust me, Tifa. It wasn’t anything you did. I promise.”</p><p>“…I guess you really won’t tell me.”</p><p>His silence is answer enough.</p><p>She huffs, but lets it go. For now. They’re still getting to know each other again. She’ll interrogate him later. They have time.</p><p>“So what’s your day been like?” Tifa acts as if they aren’t on the edge of something unspeakable, as if they weren’t about to fall into painful territory.</p><p>“Drilling asteroids for metal ore and materia,” he replies quickly, likely relieved for the change in conversation.</p><p>“What kind of materia did you find out in space?” she perks up. It’s fascinating how there are now materia for breathing in the void of space that can only be found on other planets and asteroids. She heard that Shinra suspects the moon might have some unknown kinds of materia deposits as well.</p><p>“Ice. Lots of ice. And hydrogen.”</p><p>Tifa’s never held materia before. They’re expensive, used more for scientific research or the rich and famous. “What do they look like?”</p><p>“Glowing, like concentrated warmth of sunlight in packed tightly into the ground. Little globes that you can place in the palm of your hand.”</p><p>She can imagine it now, holding a little globe of warmth in her palm…</p><p>“Would you… like to see?”</p><p>Tifa stills. “Right… right <em>now?</em>”</p><p>“Yeah. I’m standing outside a materia deposit right now. Turn on your EYEs.”</p><p>Her fingers hesitate. When only two taps, she’ll see colour, see <em>space</em>, for the first time. She’ll see what he’s seeing, it will be as if she’s standing next to him, though they’re lightyears apart. Her breaths shorten. What if this changes her? What if she can’t go back?</p><p>“Tifa?”</p><p>“Yeah, just… give me a minute.”</p><p>She takes a deep breath. She’s Tifa Lockhart. She defied her father’s expectations when he told her that she’d never make anything of herself. She reconciled with her mother. She survived a gruelling Master’s degree in piano, graduating faster than her peers. She can do this. It’s just two taps away. It’s just ‘colour.’ Whatever that is.</p><p>She taps twice… and despite her eyes being closed, a flood of vibrant colours, an array and painting of <em>not-black</em> floods her mind.</p><p>There’s… the ground beneath her (no, <em>Cloud’s</em>) feet. Is this… grey? Stone? And there, in front of her (<em>Cloud</em>) are shiny globes, in what can only be called ‘bright.’ The light hits her eyes (<em>her mind</em>) and she has the urge to wince even though her eyes don’t actually hurt. Then the view changes as her (<em>Cloud’s</em>) vision shifts upwards and there is the sky.</p><p>Did she think she knew the sky before?</p><p>There were no words. Yes, she knows that asteroids don’t have atmosphere, she understands the technical physics and vocabulary, so technically this isn’t a ‘sky’, but she didn’t <em>know</em> just how expansive a sky, <em>space</em>, could look. The darkness is a void she’s lived in for as long as she can remember, made bearable by the people she loves and the music she plays. But the sky is like a hug stretching as far as she can and all these tiny lights she could never have imagined before looking back at her and whoever said space looks dead and empty was a liar because space is so expansive, so wide, so <em>much</em>.</p><p>Her voice catches in her throat, a gasp-sigh, a teary breath.</p><p>“<em>Tifa?!</em>” Cloud’s voice, alarmed, brushes against her ear.</p><p>“I’m… I’m fine… I’m… just <em>overwhelmed. </em>Is this what you get to see every day?”</p><p>“Yeah,” Cloud’s gaze circles one-hundred-and-eighty degrees to show her how far this sky of stars runs. “Do you… like it?”</p><p>“Do I <em>like </em>it?” Tifa half-cries, half-laughs. “I <em>love </em>it. I never knew that space could be so much, that there’s so much more than just our planet. I mean, I <em>know</em>. But I didn’t <em>know</em>, does that make sense?”</p><p>“Perfect sense,” he hums fondly.</p><p>“Oh Cloud, <em>thank you. </em>I never imagined I’d ever see this much colour. It’s just like what you told me… the stars really do feel like they’re staring back.”</p><p>“See that?” a hand (not hers) comes into view, covered in a protective suit. His hand points towards a particularly bright light… “That’s Gaia. That’s you. Staring back at me.”</p><p>“Wow…” The distance between them so massive, somehow feels smaller, like she could take his hand right now and point to Gaia too. “What’s that colour called then? Officially?”</p><p>He laughs. “It’s blue.”</p><p><em>Like you</em>, she thinks.</p><p>They spend the rest of the night looking at different stars, making up their own constellations now that Tifa can see what they are. Cloud teaches her what colours are which.</p><p>“Really?” Tifa gasps when she sees that ice materia are a lighter blue. “They don’t feel that colour though.”</p><p>“And what colour do they feel like?”</p><p>“Hmmm… Grey, I suppose? Sharp and cold and sad…” she thinks of her father’s disappointment, of Cloud going away. “Not like my blue at all.”</p><p>“Your blue…”</p><p>“Ah, well, but if you say that that’s ‘blue,’ then it must be ‘blue,’” Tifa says hurriedly, afraid that Cloud might have forgotten how she ‘sees’ colours.</p><p>“…Sometimes I think Gaia should be red, like a ruby, because you’re there. Not blue.”</p><p>“…You remembered.”</p><p>His gaze ducks down to the ground. Is he… shy?</p><p>Her laughter makes his gaze sink lower.</p><p>“Well, I like that our planet is blue from where you are. Reminds me of you.”</p><p>His breath is hushed. “Tifa… will you talk with me tomorrow night too? Same time?”</p><p>“Yes of course, every night if you like. I… really enjoyed talking with you, Cloud.”</p><p>“I… enjoyed it too. Good night, Tifa.”</p><p>“Good night, Cloud.”</p><p>The feed shuts off, leaving Tifa in the dark again, wondering if it was all a dream. But she remembers those colours, those lights, what the <em>sun </em>looks like from so far away, and she knows it wasn’t.</p><p>:</p><p>That night, Tifa dreams, not just in touch, smell, and sound… but in stars. She dreams that she’s falling into an ocean of darkness but she’s not afraid. That ocean rocks her gently, caressing her face, and everywhere she can see the stars smiling back at her.</p><p>She wakes up, inspired, new melodies itching to be tried against the piano.</p><p>Tifa begins writing the first of her new collection of melodies. She names the first piece <em>A Study in Colour</em>.</p><p>:</p><p>Cloud continues to call her at nine every night. No matter how many times she activates her Stellar EYEs, she doesn’t think she’ll get sick of the blanket of stars. She doesn’t think she’ll get sick of hearing Cloud’s voice, ever.</p><p>He shows her the inside of her spaceship, carefully avoids mirrors… which Tifa thinks is wise. She’s rather ‘see’ him with her hands, when they meet again. He finds more materia deposits and shows her what other colours like red from fire materia and green from restore materia look like. They get into little teasing disagreements over what colours should be called.</p><p>“Red should be passionate and courageous and warm. Fire materia definitely deserves to be called ‘red,’” Tifa insists.</p><p>“But red inspires, it’s gentle. It should be paired with a healing materia. Think about it, our blood is red. Blood is life.”</p><p>“Only when it’s exposed to oxygen, Mr. Strife, I <em>did </em>pay attention to biology class, even if I had no context for blue and red.”</p><p>Tifa begins telling him about her day, feeling guilty that Cloud shares such wonderful and priceless sights with her but gets nothing in return. He insists that it’s nothing, that hearing her voice is reward enough, but a dark part of her disagrees. If her voice was enough, why didn’t Cloud ever leave a number to call him at? Why didn’t Cloud ever write? But she can’t bear to ask and ruin what they’ve rebuilt together.</p><p>And yet Cloud insists that all he does every day is find and mine materia deposits, <em>he’s </em>the one getting too much in return by hearing her voice, apparently.</p><p>Hearing that, Tifa feels guilty. How long has Cloud been out here, years? Months? She should try to lighten up his day, distract him. So she tells him about becoming a pianist, teaching voice on the weekends, and how she gets asked to write compositions for various companies.</p><p>“My dad used to say that piano was a waste of time, that I wouldn’t make anything of myself. And now I’m <em>here</em>, being asked to write music for famous directors and companies. Sometimes I can’t believe they know who I am. I never thought I’d get here.”</p><p>“I always knew your playing was special, Tifa. Now everyone else knows it too.”</p><p>Her face heats up. “When did you get so sweet, Cloud Strife? I don’t remember you being so open with compliments before. If you keep this up, I’ll get a swelled head.”</p><p>“Then I’ll keep it up. A guy <em>can </em>change. It has been basically ten years.”</p><p>“Well,” Tifa smiles, “maybe your memory of me changed. Maybe I’m not as great a pianist as you think.”</p><p>“You are good at what you do,” he says, no doubt in his voice. “Your father was wrong.”</p><p>Tifa feels something heavy shift in her heart. “My dad… is just… harsh. He doesn’t even matter anymore…”</p><p>“I know. I just wanted you to hear it. Your father was wrong.”</p><p>She wants to deny it, say her father was just angry, that he was just strict and took out his anger on the people he loved because he didn’t know how else to process his anger. But she’s been through that song and dance with Aerith and her therapist and her mother. It’s just… just easier to blame herself, to think that maybe she did something to make her father hard on her instead of admitting that he wasn’t a good parent.</p><p>“…Thank you,” she says.</p><p>“Always.”</p><p>She hasn’t played for Cloud, not yet. It’s always felt too painful, too much like the past he left behind.</p><p>But she’s not a child anymore. Neither is he. People can <em>change, </em>Cloud said so himself, didn’t he?</p><p>Gathering her courage, Tifa asks, “Cloud, would you like to listen to a nocturne that I’m practising right now?”</p><p>She shouldn’t have doubted that his answer would be anything but an ‘always.’</p><p>:</p><p>“You’re glowing,” Aerith cheerfully teases her in the kitchen. “I’m going to have to anchor that boy to the planet when he comes back from his mission. He makes you happy.”</p><p>“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Tifa tries to hide her blush, difficult to do when she doesn’t know where Aerith is looking.</p><p>“You’ll see things my way soon enough!” Aerith sings.</p><p>For that, her roommate gets piece of bread thrown in her face.</p><p>:</p><p>Initially, for the first month, Tifa replays her oldest concerts for him, from the earliest in her career (her renditions of Chopin and Debussy) to her latest. She doesn’t play any of her original compositions, most of them based on her family, on Aerith, on… Cloud. She doesn’t think she’s ready for that yet so she strays to her preferred composers.</p><p>Cloud’s favourite composer, she learns, is Brahms—particularly his lullabies.</p><p>“My mom…” he confesses, “used to hum his pieces when she did housework…”</p><p>“Is she…?”</p><p>“Yeah,” he admits. “She died when I was sixteen.”</p><p>“Oh Cloud, I’m so sorry.” Tifa never met Mrs. Strife, but the way Cloud’s demeanor would light up whenever she asked about him… Tifa used to envy him for having such a good mother, one who openly cared so much.</p><p>“It is what it is.”</p><p>“Still… you must have been lonely.” She thinks of Zack’s words, two months ago, about Cloud initially rejecting the Steller EYEs program when he is one of the astronauts who needs it most. No wonder Cloud is so happy to hear Tifa’s voice. No wonder he talks to her every night.</p><p>“I’ve managed. I got this far, didn’t I?”</p><p>“She’d be proud of you. <em>I’m </em>proud of you. You’ve worked so hard to get here, and now look at you… a real astronaut.”</p><p>A pause.</p><p>“Tifa… I…”</p><p>“Yes?”</p><p>“You must be tired,” he deflects. “Let’s end our call early tonight.”</p><p>“Oh…” she tries not to sound disappointed. “Sure. Alright. I’ll play more Chopin for you tomorrow if you like.” Perhaps the song choice brought up bad memories about his mother.</p><p>“Brahms is fine,” he says quickly but Tifa isn’t sure.</p><p>“Then… good night.”</p><p>“Good night, Tifa,” he says in that soft way that makes her heart twist inside.</p><p>The Steller EYEs shut off and Tifa buries her face in her hands. Why, oh why, did she think he was going to say something else? Why, oh why, did she think he would finally share why he left?</p><p><em>I love him</em>, she thinks.</p><p>Gods, she must have loved him for longer, since he held her hand and they laid against the grass, since he traced constellations on her skin. She’s loved him since the moment she thought that death couldn’t have him and she pushed him out of the way. She loves him.</p><p>She wants to hold his hand and press close together, wants to trace his face with her fingers and dare for a kiss. She wants to hear him breathing next to her and feel his lips tickle her ear as he paints the world anew with his words. She wants to feel his hair and his heart beating. She wants to feel him, to chase away any loneliness that’s been haunting him since his mother’s death.</p><p>She wants to be there with him right now.</p><p>“Don’t do this to yourself, Lockhart,” she whispers. “He doesn’t need that right now.”</p><p>Cloud is hurt and alone in space. He needs a friend, nothing more complicated than that. She’ll be the best friend he can have.</p><p>(And maybe then, he won’t leave her.)</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong> <span class="u">Void</span> </strong>
</p><p>“How’s Cloud doing?” Zack asks her when she comes in for her third monthly checkup.</p><p>“He’s fine… a little lonely, I think. But fine.” At least Tifa hopes so. She likes to think that her calls with Cloud are helping, even if she has no idea what she’s helping with.</p><p>“Good, good. His reports have been a lot livelier too. I’m glad. Maybe you can be his partner on his next mission.”</p><p>Tifa frowns. “Next mission?”</p><p>“Yeah,” she feels hands inspecting the implant on her neck. “He’s due to excavate another asteroid two weeks after this current mission ends. The guy only seems to think about work, work, work… it’s exhausting.”</p><p>Dread pools in her stomach. “How long will he be gone this time?”</p><p>“Hmmm… I guess a year or two? Depends on how many hours he logs in per day…”</p><p>“Oh…”</p><p>Luckily, Zack doesn’t know Tifa as well as Aerith does, having only met her four times. Zack doesn’t notice how quiet she becomes, how subdued.</p><p>:</p><p>“Oh no… I know that look. Do I need to punch someone? Is it your dad? I’ll rip off his balls,” Aerith immediately encases Tifa in her arms when she comes home.</p><p>Tifa shakes her head.</p><p>“Good, good… because I’m pretty sure I already threatened your dad to stay away from you and your mom and I was worried my threats were losing their touch.”</p><p>“Aerith,” a chuckle escapes her. “Don’t make me laugh!”</p><p>“It’s working, isn’t it? So… not your jerk dad… Did my hubby say something? Don’t be afraid to tell me, I’ll punch him for you, even if I love his handsome face.”</p><p>“Not Zack.”</p><p>“Then…” Aerith makes angry sound. “Cloud? Did he explain what happened ten years ago? Was it a shitty reason? Do I need to steal a rocket just so I can murder him?”</p><p>“No, nothing like that… it’s just…” Tifa explains everything that Zack told her, words tumbling out faster than a hurricane. By the time she finishes, Aerith is pressing her hands tight against Tifa’s. “It’s silly… I guess I thought that I’d have… <em>time </em>with him, that I’d get to meet him again in person. I don’t even know what he looks like now, or how tall he’s grown. I… don’t even know if he even wants to see me again. Ow! Why’d you flick me in the forehead?”</p><p>“Because you’re talking badly about yourself again. Cloud loves you. I don’t know if he’s <em>in </em>love with you, but he loves you—”</p><p>“Aerith—”</p><p>“Nope!” Aerith puts a finger to Tifa’s lips. “Listen. He calls you <em>every night</em>, that’s not in the contract. He’s supposed to call at least once a week. But he never misses a night to hear your voice, he’s never late in his calls. That man adores you. Of course, he’d want to meet you in person, even if you only have two weeks.”</p><p>“I… suppose so…? Ow! Stop flicking me!”</p><p>“You <em>know </em>so. Anyways, it’s… what? Month three so far? You’ve got two months to convince him to meet you in person. And who knows? Maybe he doesn’t have to take that mission, maybe someone else can. But you’ll never know if you don’t ask him.”</p><p>Tifa squeezes Aerith’s hands in return. “You’re right. I should at least ask.”</p><p>“Good. And if he says ‘no,’ then I’ll definitely steal that rocket. And probably kidnap an astronaut to help me pilot that shit because I have no idea how to fly one.”</p><p>:</p><p>She paces back and forth in front of her piano, waiting for Cloud’s call. She’s Tifa Lockhart. She can do this. As soon as her phone vibrates, she picks it up within the first second.</p><p>“Cloud, hi,” she twists her hair between her fingers.</p><p>“Hi Tifa,” he says softly.</p><p>As always, they bask in each other’s silence, content to settle into being <em>them</em>.</p><p>“Have you turned on your Stellar EYEs yet? I think I found another deposit of materia, but a rare kind—”</p><p>“Wait,” Tifa blurts out before she can lose her nerve. “Um, before we get to that… I have… I have something I want to play for you.”</p><p>She can practically hear his curiosity on the other end of the line. Normally Cloud shows her what he’s done during the day and they talk a while about space. Afterwards, she plays him a few songs and tells him about her day. The change in their routine is odd.</p><p>“Sure,” he agrees.</p><p>“Good,” Tifa breathes more easily. Her hands feel clammy and her throat suddenly dry. “This song… it’s… something I wrote when I was in university, remembering our childhood… and <em>I…!</em> Well, please… listen to it.”</p><p>She doesn’t wait for his reply, switching over to wireless headphones and placing the phone on top of her grand piano. Her fingers tremble as she traces the keys, counting up to the correct placements on the keyboard. She used to play this song, trying to find the perfect melody, until her fingers bled. She used to stay up countless nights, wondering if there was a song to chase him back, if he’d ever hear this on the radio and realize that it’s her, trying to reach him.</p><p>Tifa plays. Her piano sings out all of past Tifa’s worries, a flow of notes that twist into the trembling harrows of loneliness, before she met Aerith, before she met Cloud. Then the notes surge up, a crescendo of unexpected joy as shy peaceful notes pluck their way into her heart, the way they did when she first met Cloud. The peaceful joy swells high and higher, stronger and stronger, nostalgic and <em>home</em>, until abruptly the melody twists and changes, like daggers trying to tackle the music, rip it into discordant harmony.</p><p>The car crash. Her father. Her depression during high school and undergrad. Cloud gone.</p><p>Yet still the melody persists, swelling again, slowly and slowly, all while an undercurrent of hope, of that persistent joy struggles to find its way through the melody until finally… a quiet sigh. The song dips into a whisper, a thread of longing ever present, a thread of hope lingers.</p><p>Her final notes ring out and Tifa realizes she’s crying.</p><p>“Oh…” she tries not to sniff, to let the tears show in her voice as she wipes them away.</p><p>“<em>Tifa?</em>” Cloud sounds alarmed.</p><p>“Just something in my eye…”</p><p>Cloud pauses, obviously not fooled. “What… is that song called?”</p><p>“…<em>Blue</em>. It’s… called ‘Reminiscence in Blue.’”</p><p>He sucks in a breath.</p><p>“Cloud,” Tifa continues, because if she doesn’t say this now, she won’t ever say it. She doesn’t care if he never loves her, if he doesn’t return her feelings. She’s fine with just being friends. But not being able to meet him in person, for years on end, is unbearable. “I care about you… a lot. And when I heard from Zack that… after this mission, you’re leaving for another one, I just had to let you know how I feel. I… I want to meet you in person, I want to spend just one day with you before you go, so please… if it’s not too much trouble…”</p><p>“<em>No!</em>”</p><p>The shout alarms her, like the sound of a piano lid slamming shut mid-performance, like percussion instruments clattering to the floor.</p><p>Hurt stabs at Tifa’s heart. “Cloud—”</p><p>“…I…I have to go…”</p><p>“Cloud wait!”</p><p>The dial tone answers her. No matter how many times she tries to call back, he doesn’t answer.</p><p>:</p><p>Aerith waits eagerly in the living room when Tifa numbly emerges from her music room. Tifa must look terrible, uglier than normal, because Aerith only curses and runs over, holding Tifa in her arms.</p><p>She doesn’t cry.</p><p>:</p><p>Cloud stops calling her.</p><p>:</p><p>“You’ve reached the voice mailbox of Doctor Zack Fair, please leave a message after the beep and keep it short and snappy! <em>Beep!</em>”</p><p>“…Zack? It’s Tifa… I… I don’t know if you’ve heard from Cloud, but he stopped calling me. He doesn’t have a voice mailbox so I can’t reach him. It’s… it’s been two weeks and… I’m <em>worried</em>. Please, if he’s mad, if I did something wrong, if he doesn’t want to talk to me ever again, that’s fine. I’ll leave the program. I won’t talk to him. But please, just tell me if he’s okay.”</p><p>:</p><p>“Eat a little bit more, Tifa. I ordered your favourite sushi <em>and </em>I bought a tub of caramel ice cream we can eat later.”</p><p>“Maybe later, Aerith. I have to figure out the ending to this song…” Her new song collection <em>A Study in Colour</em> is going no where. She used to be able to work on it every day, plugging out melodies that reminded her of the stars, of Cloud’s voice and now…</p><p>Now she wants to write angry music that twists and turns and never ends.</p><p>“Okay, nope,” Aerith tugs Tifa’s arms away from the piano. “Food first.”</p><p>Tifa wants to argue but she can hear the sadness in Aerith’s breathing. She doesn’t want to upset her friend anymore, especially since it’s been a week since Cloud stopped talking to her. Tifa doesn’t understand how Aerith can be so patient with her.</p><p>“…I’m sorry Aerith…”</p><p>“Don’t apologize! <em>Cloud </em>should apologize! He just hung up and ghosted you!”</p><p>“Maybe… maybe he had a reason to…”</p><p>“Really? Like what?”</p><p>“I don’t know…. He never explained why he had to move away ten years ago. He didn’t want to talk about it and I didn’t want to push him. Maybe… maybe this has something to do with it. Or maybe… maybe he doesn’t want to see me.”</p><p>“…That’s it. The moment he comes back to Gaia, I’m punching him.”</p><p>“Aerith <em>no!</em>”</p><p>“Aerith <em>yes! </em>He broke your heart and he couldn’t even be considerate about it!”</p><p>“He… he didn’t break anything…”</p><p>“Tifa, you stopped cooking and playing piano for three days. You’ve lost weight. Your glow is gone. I am <em>not </em>forgiving him, even if you are.”</p><p>“There’s nothing to forgive! I didn’t expect anything to come of my feelings. I’d be happy just to stay by his side, as his friend. I just wanted to meet him again, just once. That’s all…”</p><p>“Oh Tifa… you—”</p><p>Aerith’s phone rings with its bubbly ringtone.</p><p>“I’ll get that later,” Aerith murmurs. “Tifa, look, you can’t just—”</p><p>The phone continues blaring.</p><p>“Urgh. Okay. I’ll just take this call real quick and then I’ll convince you that you’re amazing and lovely and that Cloud needs a punch to the face. This better be important,” Aerith mutters, flicking her phone open. “Hello? Oh, hi sweetie! …Yes, she’s here… Yeah, because I hid her phone… I’m sorry, <em>what?!. …</em>No. Absolutely not… <em>He </em>should call <em>her</em>. …What do you mean, he <em>can’t?!</em>... Alright, fine, I’m handing her the phone, but you better have a good explanation for this, Zack Fair!”</p><p>She feels Aerith press her phone against her hands. “Is something wrong?”</p><p>“Apparently it’s an emergency,” Aerith murmurs, “about <em>Cloud</em>. Zack didn’t give anymore details.”</p><p>Alarmed, Tifa presses the phone against her ear. “Zack, what’s wrong with Cloud? Is he alright?”</p><p>“Tifa! Oh, thank god Aerith lives with you. Listen, I need you to come to my office <em>right away</em>.”</p><p>“What, but—”</p><p>“Cloud’s in danger and you’re the only one that can help him, now <em>please</em>, get here as soon as possible.”</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong> <span class="u">Smudges</span> </strong>
</p><p>Aerith drives like a maniac through Midgar, using her mother’s car, after Tifa begs her for help. They flash their visitor’s passes to the parking guard and rush out towards reception. Zack is pacing back and forth in the lobby, waiting for them.</p><p>“Thank the Stars, you’re here! Bless you. Get in the elevator, I’ll explain on the way.”</p><p>Tifa lets Aerith and Zack guide her towards the elevator, heart pounding in her ears.</p><p>“Sweetie, why are we going down? Shouldn’t we be gathering in your office?”</p><p>“Faster this way. Listen, I haven’t been entirely truthful about the Stellar EYEs project.”</p><p>Aerith sucks in a breath, rage radiating from her body. “Zack Fair, <em>what did you just say?!</em>”</p><p>“N-nothing harmful to your friend, babe! Just private information about the other participants that I wasn’t allowed to talk about! Tifa didn’t need to know, it wasn’t hurting her!”</p><p>“Why don’t you tell us what the hell you were keeping secret and then we’ll decide if it was hurting her or not,” Aerith hisses.</p><p>“Yes,” Zack sounds regretful, and Tifa gets the sense that he wants to reach out to Aerith but doesn’t know how to. “Of course.” He pauses, letting out a frustrated sigh. “The ‘astronauts’ in the Stellar EYEs program… are <em>all </em>asteroid excavators. But they aren’t technically qualified to be astronauts.”</p><p>Both Tifa and Aerith are silent as the elevator sinks down several floors. Just how many underground floors does Shinra’s West Building have…?</p><p>“I don’t understand… How can Cloud be in space if he’s not technically an astronaut?”</p><p>“Argh… I’m not explaining this right. Look, typically qualified astronauts in Shinra are used for the really far deep space missions to Mars and the other planets. They work in teams of three or more, otherwise the loneliness is just too much of a drain on their mental health. Shinra has high expectations so we don’t approve very many astronauts per year for deep space missions</p><p>“But the team I’m part of… we found an effective way to send more people into space, even if they weren’t qualified. We found out we could project a person’s consciousness into a robot and send <em>that </em>into space. We figured we wouldn’t need to use teams then, just one-man missions to riskier parts of the galaxy to excavate resources for our planet.”</p><p>“Risky places like the asteroid belt…” Tifa realizes. She <em>had </em>been curious how a rocket safely landed on an asteroid with a human being in it… but there was no human being at all…</p><p>“Exactly. The volunteers for these missions were people who didn’t make it into the astronaut program. They got two other options, become one of our engineers or become part of the excavation program… the MIND Expansion program, we called it. Volunteers like Cloud let themselves be hooked up to machines and placed in a pod where we transferred their consciousnesses to robots that would wake up on the asteroids and begin excavations. No knowledge of how to pilot needed.”</p><p>“So… Cloud has been <em>here </em>in this building, the whole time?”</p><p>“His <em>body</em> has been. We don’t put their consciousnesses back until the mission ends, it’s too dangerous to be constantly switching back and forth.”</p><p>“Then…” Tifa tries to imagine it, never feeling tired or hungry or thirsty. Just constantly working in a metal machine that isn’t even your body. “Oh god…”</p><p>Aerith squeezes Tifa’s hand. “So that’s why you made the Steller EYEs program.”</p><p>“Well… yeah. Volunteers who have family and friends, they do fine. They get calls from their family, those loved ones become their link to their humanity. But orphans like Cloud, with no friends to speak of? It’s… harder to remember you’re human.”</p><p>“…How long?” Tifa asks quietly.</p><p>Zack doesn’t answer.</p><p>“How <em>long </em>has his consciousness been operating that robot?”</p><p>“…Four years.”</p><p>Four years, Tifa thinks. Four years that Cloud has been alone up there, unable to sleep or breathe or laugh. The Steller EYEs program has been operational for three years and yet Cloud hasn’t had anyone to talk to except these scientists… and finally her.</p><p>“I don’t understand,” Aerith sounds like she’s hitting Zack in the chest. “How has he been talking to her then?! How could you leave human beings like that for so long?!”</p><p>“I… I’m sorry… I’m <em>so sorry</em>.”</p><p>Tifa hears Zack offer excuses. How Cloud never wanted to talk to anyone, save for Zack, for longer than five minutes. How Cloud kept refusing help, how Cloud’s work performance has always been good and it wasn’t worrying until recently. How every other excavator has been mentally sound given they stuck to the Stellar EYEs program.</p><p>“But he stopped talking to you so suddenly, his reports have been too brief. By the time we realized what was going on, his body began exhibiting fluctuating life signals. He… he’s dying.”</p><p>“Then you need to pull him out!” Tifa shouts.</p><p>“We can’t! Not when he doesn’t think of that as his body anymore! His mind is in chaos, he needs an anchor. He needs <em>you, </em>Tifa!”</p><p>“Don’t shout at her, Zack Fair, or we will be having <em>words!</em>” Aerith growls.</p><p>“Aerith, babe, I’m sorry, I just need to save him, I’m the one who got him into this mess—”</p><p>“Stop,” Tifa says as soon as the elevator door finally pings open. “Just tell me what I need to do.”</p><p>:</p><p>Zack explains that Cloud’s consciousness is in limbo, too attached to the metal body but rejecting his human one. “He has no anchor to his humanity, for some reason he’s rejecting both bodies now. We need you to go into that limbo space and pull him out.”</p><p>“How?”</p><p>“We’re going to hook you into the MIND expansion pod… but you won’t have a metal body waiting for you. You’ll end up in limbo too. You need to find Cloud and convince him to go back to his body.”</p><p>“No absolutely not!” Aerith pulls Tifa behind her. “After what you just told us happened to Cloud?! What if Tifa gets lost too?!”</p><p>“She won’t. Unlike Cloud, she hasn’t been out of her body for four years. She should be okay.”</p><p>“You don’t <em>know </em>that!”</p><p>“I’ll do it,” Tifa says, “<em>if </em>you transfer Cloud back to his <em>human </em>body first and you give him a promotion.”</p><p>There’s no way Tifa is going to let Cloud go back into that metal body again.</p><p>“It’s done. Now hurry this way!”</p><p>“Tifa,” Aerith stops her. “Are you sure about this?”</p><p>“I can’t let him die, Aerith. I just <em>can’t</em>.”</p><p>“But what about you? Who’s going to save <em>you?</em>”</p><p>Tifa lifts Aerith’s hand against her chest. “Cloud doesn’t have any anchors. But I do. I have you.”</p><p>Aerith chokes back a sob, holding Tifa tight. “You better come back in one piece, Lockhart. Don’t go switching bodies or anything with him. Otherwise, I’ll have to hop in there and pull you both out and then Zack will have to hop in and pull <em>me</em> out.”</p><p>“I will. I promise.”</p><p>:</p><p>They finally reach the room where all of the pods are and Aerith gasps.</p><p>“Does it look bad?” Tifa asks, unnerved by the hollow feel of the room, but the dripping of the pipes.</p><p>“Imagine giant metal cylinders for beds and people just lying in them, with rubber tubes attached to their bodies.”</p><p>Definitely bad then.</p><p>“This way,” Zack directs. Tifa hears Aerith reject Zack’s offer of help down the stairs. Oh dear.</p><p>Zack tersely directs Tifa to sit on a pod and with Aerith’s guidance, Tifa settles against cold metal and closes her eyes. Zack begins hooking tubes onto Tifa’s arms and legs, her neck. He tentatively asks Aerith for help to secure Tifa and Aerith coldly complies. The gulf between the two is too painful to be around, even as the clock ticks.</p><p>“There,” Zack nods. “We’re ready. Just… close your eyes and you’ll be in the limbo. I’ll do my best to send you as close to Cloud’s consciousness as possible. Then you need to convince him to come back. Are you ready?”</p><p>Anxiety buries Tifa, suffocating her. She can’t breathe. She wants to get out. What makes her think that <em>she </em>can save Cloud when she’s nothing? When she can’t even say the most important things? Cloud stopped doing the program because of <em>her. </em>His mental state is because of something she said, something she tried to show him. What if her presence makes things worse?</p><p>But this isn’t the time for self-pity, for her own selfishness. Cloud doesn’t have anyone else to try for him. So Tifa has to try.</p><p>“…I’m ready.”</p><p>Aerith squeezes Tifa’s hand again. “I won’t let go,” she whispers.</p><p>And then Tifa is nothing. Tifa is gone.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong> <span class="u">Sparkle</span> </strong>
</p><p>She’s darkness. She’s the smudges of grey in the dark. She is the void swallowing up all colour.</p><p>Limbo isn’t so different from being blind, it’s like slipping on another dress, the only difference is that Tifa can’t feel her limbs or the ground beneath her feet or the air around her. She is everything and nothing, she stretches out, trying to find anything that feels like a ‘someone,’ she feels echoes of her human body, of Aerith holding her hand.</p><p>Once, a long time ago, Elmyra took Aerith and Tifa to the beach. Tifa remembers testing out the sensation of floating, with Elmyra and Aerith holding her hands, remembers how weightless and peaceful everything felt underwater… a little frightening, but a little like coming home.</p><p>Limbo is like floating adrift in the ocean with no hands to hold her tight, nothing but the faint string of Aerith so far away…</p><p>Her mind drifts, a litany of <em>Cloud, Cloud, Cloud, </em>keeping her sane and human, keeping her searching.</p><p>Then she hears it.</p><p>Someone, something, is screaming. Such terrible screams, like broken violin strings being plucked out, like the dying of an animal.</p><p>“Cloud,” she thinks-speaks. Perhaps this is how Cloud was able to talk with her over such distances, perhaps this is why Cloud’s communication with her required a special phone.</p><p>Tifa swim-drifts towards him, her consciousness reaching out to meet his.</p><p>But his consciousness curls up, shrinks in on himself, hurting himself, with echoes of <em>no, no, no, don’t touch me, I’ll hurt you, don’t touch me, stay away.</em></p><p>Her heart breaks.</p><p>“Cloud… please, it’s me. Tifa. Let’s go home.”</p><p><em>No, not Tifa, can’t be Tifa. Tifa has to stay safe and happy and away from me. If she meets me she’ll know I’m a liar, that I wreck everything</em>—</p><p>His thoughts seem to shake limbo, reverberating like waves of the sea. His ‘blue’ is distorted and muffled, like someone has twisted up his inner song.</p><p>“Oh Cloud,” she wants to wrap him up tight and never let him go, but she can’t touch him when he’s unaware like this. “Who hurt you?”</p><p>She wonders if it was her. She wonders how she can ever make up for this.</p><p>
  <em>Not Tifa, never Tifa. Only good from Tifa. </em>
</p><p>She doesn’t believe that. If she was so good, then why can’t her father ever see that? Why did Cloud leave?</p><p>Thunder rumbles from his consciousness. <em>Your father was wrong. Tifa is wonderful. </em>For the first time, Tifa sees another human being, an image of… a young person? With long hair… and… a dress? Is that what dresses look like? The young girl has red eyes that glint like the stars. And then, suddenly, she sees that girl running towards her, only to get tossed apart by a car—</p><p>Oh. This is how Cloud sees her. This is the car crash. This is what she looked like back then.</p><p><em>My fault</em>, comes Cloud’s thoughts. Then another image, a woman with… oh, she knows this colour… sunshine-yellow hair, lying on a bed, skinny and cold… <em>My fault</em>, Cloud’s thoughts swirl again, more images, and papers with words Tifa would normally be unable to read but can somehow understand because Cloud broadcasts, <em>my application was failure. I’m a failure. I can’t be your astronaut. I can’t protect you. I can’t keep my promises. Can’t be with you. I’m a liar. Liar. Liar…</em></p><p>The despair, the self-loathing, are so suffocating, so familiar, because Tifa has felt the exact same things. Back in undergrad, when her father left her with nothing, when she was at her lowest. She hated herself. She thought she was nothing. She nearly succumbed to her dark thoughts but she had Aerith.</p><p>She can’t let Cloud disappear into the darkness.</p><p>“You’re wrong,” she summons up the day of the car crash, how she felt, the absolute <em>need </em>to protect Cloud so he can <em>live</em>, always. She summons up the way she felt when Cloud sat beside and played a duet, when he drew a picture of the stars with his hands and his words, when he promised he’d never leave her. She summons up the way blue feels to her, how calm and soothing. She plays the song inside her soul, <em>Reminiscence in Blue </em>and <em>A Study in Colour. </em>She lets the music swirl around them both, coaxes them to Cloud’s soul.</p><p><em>Look, look</em>, she cries out with her song, <em>this is how I see you, Cloud Strife. This is how beautiful you are.</em></p><p>He sparkles. He’s always sparkled to her, even when she had no concept of what sparkling meant. He and Aerith are the lights in her life that bring meaning to her dark world. Cloud reflects the light of the seeing world towards her and makes Tifa wants to reach for the stars.</p><p><em>I love you</em>.</p><p>Even if Cloud doesn’t return her feelings, even if he rejects her. He has to know that he’s loved by <em>someone</em>. He has to know that she loves him and who he is so very much, that she never needed him to be an astronaut. She just needed him to be Cloud. She needs him.</p><p>But can he hear her?</p><p>Limbo is so quiet, like death, and Tifa anxiously listens for his response, any sign that he’s heard her when—</p><p>“Tifa?” He sounds so young and unsure, as if she is a soul he dreamed up.</p><p>“Yes,” she half-laughs and half-cries. “Yes, Cloud, it’s me.”</p><p>Alarm. “You shouldn’t be here!”</p><p>“I am. I’m here for <em>you</em>. Let’s go home, Cloud.”</p><p>“I… I can’t.” Fear. Anxiety. Hiding.</p><p>“Yes, you can,” Tifa coaxes. “You can do anything.”</p><p>“But I can’t! I… I didn’t accomplish anything. The day of the car crash, my mom got the news that her job was transferring her to another city for work. Your dad wouldn’t let me see you so I couldn’t tell you I was going…  I was going to write you but my mom got… really sick. I had to work hard, so Mom could live but then she died and it had been two years and I was all alone. Why would you want to hear from me after I ignored you for <em>two years? </em>I wanted to be better for you. I wanted to become an astronaut, because then, you’d forgive me and I’d be worthy to be by your side. I wanted to be your hero. Then… I could come back to you.”</p><p>She can feel his consciousness trembling.</p><p>“Cloud,” she imagines her hand stretching out, imagines every moment they’ve ever held hands, so he can <em>see</em>. “You’re already my hero. You’ve always been good enough.”</p><p>“Those… those memories you showed me… they’re yours? They’re… real?”</p><p>“More than anything.”</p><p>“I…” Cloud’s soul reaches out and <em>finally, </em>touches hers. “I want to see you.”</p><p>“Then come see me.”</p><p>“I want to be with you every day.”</p><p>“Then be with me, Cloud.”</p><p>“I want to go home.”</p><p>Tifa chokes up. “Let’s go home.”</p><p>Her soul guides Cloud’s to where Aerith is holding her hand. In the space of limbo, they feel like the only two souls in existence, radiating warmth to one another. Tifa shares with him every memory she has, focusing on how she perceives him. She feeds him every moment of her love so he’ll keep following her.</p><p>The moment their souls have to separate, return to their bodies, Cloud’s grip against hers stays tight.</p><p>“Will you be there when I wake up?” he asks, so small and unsure.</p><p>She wants to cry. She wants to hold him so tight. “Yes,” she promises, “for as long as you’ll have me.”</p><p>His grip tightens, anchoring her to him.</p><p><em>I won’t let go</em>, she thinks she hears, and then there’s a push, her soul being yanked back into human flesh again, anchored by physics and Tifa wakes up screaming.</p><p>:</p><p>The iron smell of pipes, laundry deterrent from Zach’s coat, Aerith’s floral perfume, Aerith yelling at Zack, water dripping, head buzzing, clammy palms, tubes everywhere, Tifa hyperventilates. “Get it off me! Get it off, where, where’s Cloud?!”</p><p>Beyond her, she can hear similar gasping, less screaming, a crash.</p><p>“Cloud!” Zack runs over. “Don’t get up, you need to get used to walking—”</p><p>“Tifa,” she hears, “where’s Tifa?”</p><p>Aerith presses close against Tifa, hugging her, shielding her. Tifa can’t think, heartbeat roaring in her ears, too <em>loud</em>—</p><p>“Cloud…” she whispers.</p><p>More crashes. Swearing. The footsteps come closer, dragging and slow. Then… a hand, large enough to engulf her own, worn and dry. She… she knows this hand.</p><p>“…Cloud?”</p><p>“<em>Tifa</em>,” he whispers, voice raspy from lack of use.</p><p>Her hands tremble, she lifts them up, tracing them up his arm, up to his neck, tracing the way his face has grown over the years. His jaw is more angular, and his lips are chapped from being in the pod. Tifa’s fingers linger there, marvelling at how he feels now.</p><p>“…You’re tall,” she says.</p><p>His eyelids close under her fingers, and she feels his hand cradle hers against his cheek.</p><p>He’s here. <em>He’s really here</em>.</p><p>Tifa pulls him into her arms, uncaring if he stiffens in response, if Zack yelps and tells her to be careful, if Aerith scolds Zack for interfering. She’ll apologize to Cloud later for the hug. But for now, she needs this, she needs to listen to his heartbeat.</p><p>Her tears stain his chest as she hiccups, “Welcome back.”</p><p>Slowly, his arms come up around her shoulders, as if she’ll break with the slightest touch. Then he grips her tight, refusing to let go.</p><p>“…I’m home,” he whispers.</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Seeing Her</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>AN: Thank you again for the wonderful support! I hope you enjoy the last chapter, I'm really nervous about the reception of the last chapter. I first got into FF7 last month after playing the original game and fell in love with Tifa's strength. I hope this story does her and Cloud justice and I hope to see you all in my next fic tomorrow :)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong> <span class="u">Part 3 – Seeing Her</span> </strong>
</p><p>
  <strong> <span class="u">Grounded</span> </strong>
</p><p>
  <em> <span class="u">Before:</span> </em>
</p><p>
  <em> <span class="u">(On the Asteroid)</span> </em>
</p><p>Space is endless darkness and empty lights with meaningless existences. Cloud can’t stand looking up anymore, all he sees is dark and rock stretching out as far as he can see. He can’t even look down at his hands, those gloves hiding nothing but metal limbs. Sometimes he wonders if he’ll recognize his human body when he returns.</p><p>If he returns.</p><p>He’s still not worthy of her yet, and there’s nothing to go back to. No family. No friends. Only Zack as his daily support, a friendly scientist who surely has better things to do than care about Cloud. Cloud always declines Zack’s invitations to speak for longer on speaker phone, insisting that Zack go back to work. Someone as important as Zack has more pressing work to do for Shinra.</p><p>Cloud is fine. He’s surviving.</p><p>Days and nights have no meaning to Cloud anymore. He can work nonstop, with no need for sleep. So when he sees his inbox flashing with yet another email about the Stellar EYEs program, he ignores it.</p><p>Then Zack emails him again, this time with the subject line: Open it Or I’ll Pull the Plug.</p><p>Cloud scowls. He aggressively opens the email, finding it pointless when he’ll just reject the volunteer anyways until he sees her name.</p><p>Tifa. Tifa Lockhart.</p><p>If he could breathe, he would stop all functions right now. His metal hands trace her name on the screen.</p><p>Annoyed, he sends Zack a text.</p><p><strong>Strife: </strong> <em>Does she know? Did you tell her? </em></p><p><strong>Fair: </strong> <em>So she IS that girl you’re waiting on. I knew it! And no, she doesn’t know. I was just as surprised to get her application. A little flower told me about her.</em></p><p><strong>Strife: </strong> <em>Send it back.</em></p><p><strong>Fair: </strong> <em>Are you sure? I think you should at least read what she wrote. You’ll regret it if you don’t.</em></p><p>“I’ll show you regret,” Cloud grumbles, scrolling down on the email to read through the application. He already knows her age and birthday, where she was born… He keeps scrolling until he reaches the section that asks her why she applied. He imagines her speaking softly into the microphone of her computer, the way she spoke to him.</p><p><em>I knew someone, a long time ago</em>, her answer reads and if Cloud had his human heart again it would twist and scream, <em>who I wanted to promise me to tell me about the stars. </em></p><p><em>She remembers me</em>, his mind screams, <em>she wants to see me.</em></p><p>It has to be him, he can’t imagine anyone else sharing these dreams with her.</p><p>(But what if they did? What if someone stood in Cloud’s place beside her, what then? No, he can’t imagine that, he just <em>can’t</em>—)</p><p>He keeps reading the answer, reaching the end, reaching her final words.</p><p><em>I want to be closer</em>.</p><p>Cloud’s hand reaches out to the little blue dot in the void, the little blue dot of Gaia where Tifa is.</p><p>Without thinking, he emails Zack back with his yes.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> <span class="u">Now: </span> </em>
</p><p>
  <em> <span class="u">(1 Year and 4 Months Later)</span> </em>
</p><p>Some days, Cloud can’t believe that he’s in his body again, the <em>human </em>one, on Gaia. He’ll get hungry or thirsty and feel surprised at the sensations. He’ll feel the softness of his bed and get overwhelmed by the sensation of touch. Loud noises make him flinch and strong spicy smells has him wanting to throw up.</p><p>Some nights, he wakes up and fears he’ll see metal limbs again, that he’ll be back on that asteroid staring at nothing but empty space and rock for miles and miles… Some nights, he dreams that he’s still in limbo, forever screaming, reliving his mother’s death, Tifa’s accident, Mr. Lockhart screaming at Cloud that he’s a monster… Some nights, he refuses to open the window, scared to see that open sky and the memories that come with it.</p><p>(Why, oh why, did he decide to go to space?)</p><p>(No one told him how alone it would make him feel.)</p><p>(And then there’s a voice, gentle and kind, calling him back to Gaia, reminding him of all the beauty in the void.)</p><p>(<em>Promise me</em>.)</p><p>(Does she know how that promise kept him going?)</p><p>Without fail, Tifa always knows when he’s not sleeping, and she’ll open his door, tiptoeing inside. She used to knock before, but with the nightmares occurring so frequently, Cloud began leaving the door slightly open so she can come in.</p><p>She settles by his side every time, stroking his hair until he can sleep again. She used to hesitate before, until he began pulling her into his arms, and now she doesn’t hesitate to stroke his arm or curl up against his chest. Cloud never does anything more during these moments, afraid that once he does, she’ll disappear, like all those dreams, afraid that if he does, he’ll never let go of her…</p><p>Tifa always leaves when he wakes up, the bed empty. And Cloud hates himself a little more again.</p><p>He should stop bothering her, stop intruding on her living space, but he needs her…</p><p>“Pathetic,” he calls himself.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> <span class="u">Before:</span> </em>
</p><p>
  <em> <span class="u">(After Limbo)</span> </em>
</p><p>Cloud can’t believe that she’s real, all grown up in front of him. She looks as beautiful as the day he first saw her, sitting alone in an empty classroom when they were twelve years old. He remembers trying to find a place to hide, somewhere the bullies wouldn’t find him, and being entranced by this girl not-quite-staring out the window. The sunlight had made her dark hair shine, and she wore a blue sundress. She looked angelic.</p><p>Then she had turned her head towards him and Cloud realized she couldn’t see.</p><p>…Like a coward, he just stood there, like a deer caught in headlights, until Aerith came to pick her up and left.</p><p>He kept seeing flashes of her from the corner of his eye at lunchtime and in between classes. He was always too shy to talk to her. How could a bastard like himself talk to someone as beautiful as her? He comforted himself with listening to her play the piano, sitting in the room next door. Her playing was like a balm to all the pain he suffered in school. As long as he got to hear her play at the end of the day, he had a reason to smile for his mother. He thought that he would always be content with that distance.</p><p>But when she first talked to him, first touched his arm, Cloud knew he couldn’t go back.</p><p>Now she’s here, her hair longer than before, eyes puffy and cheeks blotchy with tears, but still so beautiful.</p><p>He doesn’t let go of her hand, afraid that once he does, he’ll be back in Limbo… back on that asteroid…</p><p>“Cloud, come on, lift your hand, I need to check your blood pressure,” Zack kneels by them both.</p><p>“Check on the other arm then,” Aerith snips, looking as intimidating as ever, despite her height.</p><p>“Yes, babe, I’ll do that. <em>But </em>I need to make sure all of his limbs are responding well to having his consciousness back in his body!”</p><p>“Well his other hand is moving <em>fine</em>, otherwise he wouldn’t be hanging on to Tifa!”</p><p>“Fine, fine…”</p><p>Cloud’s head buzzes with confusion. Aerith and Zack’s voices are too loud, too overwhelming… He doesn’t remember Aerith’s clothes being so <em>pink</em>, so neon to his eyes.</p><p>“…Hey, Cloud, come here,” Tifa whispers. Her voice, out of every sound, feels clear. Cloud blinks at her in confusion. Her gaze, always somewhere else, doesn’t quite face him, but her hands guide his to the underside of her wrist. “Just listen. Count with me…”</p><p>He’d do anything that voice says, so he concentrates on her pulse, and counts to the beat of her heart… one, two, three… one, two, three…</p><p>By the time, Zack finishes with his check-up, Cloud realizes that he’s zoned out, completed concentrated on Tifa’s voice and her thumb stroking the back of his hand. He didn’t hear a thing Zack said.</p><p>“Physically, you’ve lost weight, which is to be expected from your time in the pod. With a few weeks of physical therapy, you’ll be back on your feet in no time. As for your mental health, I recommend that you be switched over to the engineering department after a few weeks off… unless you <em>want </em>to go back to the excavation team, I can’t truly stop you…”</p><p>“No,” Cloud says quickly, noticing how Tifa’s shoulders relax. “I’ll go to engineering.” If he was in that metal robot again, he’d try to stay on that asteroid, but he didn’t know any better back then. Now that he’s back in his human body, with Tifa by his side, he doesn’t want to let her out of his sight in case she isn’t real. In case, he’s still in Limbo.</p><p>He’s not less of a man just because he couldn’t meet the requirements, physically, mentally, and intellectually, to become an astronaut. Tifa said so, she… <em>felt </em>so, back when they were in Limbo together… She loves him, she <em>loves </em>him. That has to be real. He can’t believe it’s real.</p><p>“Good, good, I’ll kept your apartment open and clean for you. We can move over there and I’ll monitor your health—”</p><p>Cloud tenses. His apartment. That he has. He forgot that he had one.</p><p>“What about Tifa?”</p><p>Zack’s gaze flickers to Aerith. “Well, I’m sure she’ll visit you…”</p><p>“That’s right,” Tifa squeezes his hand, her smile making Cloud forget to breathe. “I will. If… if you want.”</p><p>He nods. He wants very much.</p><p>“Then let’s go. Tifa and Cloud <em>both </em>need some rest after what they went through and good food. You better take care of him, Zack Fair,” Aerith glares, somehow looking fierce despite her ribbons and pink-ness. “I’m taking Tifa home before she falls over.”</p><p>Panic falls onto Cloud as soon as Tifa lets go of him. What if she doesn’t come back? What if she falls into Limbo? What if he can’t find her again?</p><p>“Cloud?! <em>Cloud!</em>”</p><p>As his world swirls into nothing, he sees Tifa’s whited-out eyes screaming for him like they did ten years ago before she nearly died…</p><p>:</p><p>“This is a lot to ask of us, Zack Fair,” Aerith’s voice sounds ready to throw down. Cloud would love to see her throw Zack down in a stranglehold, just to laugh at him later.</p><p>“What choice do I have? Tifa makes him feel safer… better. He should be living in a comfortable environment to heal. I know it’s not professional, but it’s only until he feels comfortable to go out on his own again. I’ll compensate you both and I can even move in as well, to monitor him.”</p><p>“Is this your way of asking to move in because I’m going to need a little more romance than that.”</p><p>“Sweetheart, I can only ask this ridiculous request <em>because </em>it’s you… and I trust you and Tifa. Please.”</p><p>“And what about Tifa’s feelings?! What if she gets hurt—”</p><p>“Aerith, I won’t get—”</p><p><em>Hurt? </em>Cloud thinks. Tifa’s not allowed to get hurt anymore. He made a promise. It’s why he aimed to become an astronaut, to make a decent living and fulfill that promise he never took, so he can take care of her. It’s why he didn’t want to meet her again until he became worthy.</p><p>“It’s not your job to heal him, Tifa. You don’t need to do this. You already did what you could.”</p><p>“If it was Zack,” Tifa starts.</p><p>“Who I’m very mad at,” Aerith points out.</p><p>“But if it <em>was </em>Zack, wouldn’t you do the same?”</p><p>Cloud blearily opens his eyes just in time to see Aerith’s jaw clench and unclench several times.</p><p>“Fine, yes, I would. I’m very mad at him right now but I <em>would</em>, happy? You win.”</p><p>Zack brightens like a puppy allowed back in the house. “Does that mean I can move in as well?”</p><p>“Don’t push your luck, hun. You can have the couch.”</p><p>:</p><p>Cloud doesn’t remember the first initial months of his return to Gaia. They’re blurred together in screams and nightmares, in Tifa leaving her shared room with Aerith to hold him through the night. Zack sleeps on the couch as promised, always there to ask Cloud questions about his health and try to coax Cloud to venture outside of Aerith and Tifa’s apartment.</p><p>The first month, Cloud can’t make it past the hallway, then soon, the lobby. Eventually, he can venture down the block but still, he always gets overwhelmed by the noise and colours. He always flees back to that apartment, decorated in Aerith’s flowers and pastels, to the bedroom that used to be Tifa’s, to the touch that grounds him.</p><p>“…He can’t go on like this,” Cloud catches Zack saying in the kitchen.</p><p>“Just be patient,” Tifa replies. “He was out there for four years. It will take time.”</p><p>“Besides,” Aerith huffs, “where else would he go?”</p><p>
  <em>Where else would he go?</em>
</p><p>Cloud flinches.</p><p>He stares down at his shaking hands and closes his eyes.</p><p>He can’t be a burden anymore.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> <span class="u">Now:</span> </em>
</p><p>Cloud sneaks out to work, not confident that he won’t crumble if he sees Tifa smiling at the kitchen, if he smells her cooking. He has to be more independent… he has to show her that he’s ready to take the next step in their relationship…</p><p>Shinra’s West Building makes Cloud tense every time he steps in. He nods stiffly at the receptionist and takes the elevator to engineering… up, not down anymore…</p><p>His coworkers, Biggs, Wedge, and Jesse, greet him enthusiastically when he arrives, showing him the latest blueprints for their rocket designs. Cloud forces away all his bad thoughts and slips easily into the rhythm of making machines works. Machines are easier to figure out than people, after all.</p><p>When he focuses on the sounds of drilling and hammers, on crisp lines and zeros, he feels almost normal. He feels almost… functional.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> <span class="u">Before:</span> </em>
</p><p>Everything’s too loud. Today, Cloud made it as far as three blocks outside of the apartment before he ran back home. Now, everything’s louder than usual. His own breathing, his own heart, the furious whispering next door from Zack and Aerith. He’s pretty sure that they’ve started sleeping together in the same room, now that Tifa keeps migrating to his.</p><p>But… where is she?</p><p><em>Don’t panic. Just breathe, </em>he tells himself, counting up to ten like Zack taught him. He focuses on five things he can feel, five things he can hear, five things he can see. Then four things he can feel, four things he can hear, four things he can see. Three things. Two… One.</p><p>His hands are still shake. A little less than before, but still. Not good enough.</p><p>A door opens in the hallway. Cloud tenses. He hears some footsteps and pretends to go to sleep. No need to make Tifa lose more sleep than necessary again…</p><p>The footsteps pause. Cloud keeps the door slightly open now and he knows Tifa must be checking in on him. Forcing his breathing to be calm and quiet, Cloud waits.</p><p>Then Tifa passes by, probably back to the makeshift bed on the couch (he’s going to kill Zack for putting Tifa out of a bed again), when her footsteps go… elsewhere.</p><p>He’s up instantly. Tifa doesn’t usually leave the apartment nowadays unless Cloud goes with her. He doesn’t do well in crowds, so Tifa doesn’t do errands anymore, only commutes to work where Cloud listens to her practise with an orchestra for an upcoming concert. Most of the concerts are renditions of classical pieces, nothing original quite yet (“I’m still working on some new pieces,” Tifa had told him) and her orchestra practises are some of the only times Cloud lets himself sleep.</p><p>An ugly part of him panics. What if she’s leaving and never comes back? What if she hates him? What if she trips and falls down the stairs but he shuts those thoughts down. Tifa loves him, he whispers that mantra over and over again, Tifa loves him and she won’t leave him. He trusts that. Tifa is capable and doesn’t need him to hover.</p><p>But he still follows her out into the hall, towards the room that’s always closed.</p><p><em>Oh</em>, Cloud realizes as he creeps into the room, sees the piano, the music sheets, the guitar in the corner. If the apartment screams of Aerith’s touch, this room is purely Tifa. A bowl of potpourri fills the air with vanilla and mint while a wind chime hangs from the window. He spots a pile of blanket-scarves on a chair, likely for cool autumn and winter days. Several fluffy slippers sit at the door in varying colours. It’s cozy, soft… and so very Tifa.</p><p>Tifa’s already started playing, eyes shut, the notes flowing into the room like a waterfall. The song tugs at Cloud’s soul in its familiarity and intensity… the song Tifa played when she asked to meet him again, when he ran away, overwhelmed by his fears that she’d reject him as soon as she knew his real job description. This song caresses him, makes him remember better times before his mother got sick, before Tifa nearly died saving him from a car.</p><p>But just like before, the song rushes into hope and longing, until suddenly the ending feels… content. Waiting, but content and sweet. The sound feels Cloud with an urge he can’t quite understand, the need to say <em>something</em> that would be equivalent to all the <em>feeling </em>in the song, to express how he feels in its purest form.</p><p>Instead, all he can whisper is, “Beautiful.”</p><p>Tifa almost falls off her bench, startled by the sound.</p><p>He’s over by her side in two strides. “Are you okay?”</p><p>“Cloud!” she stutters, “I didn’t hear you there!”</p><p>“Sorry, I should have said something, but I… wanted to hear you play.”</p><p>Her face goes adorably red, not as striking as her eyes, but still as lovely.</p><p>“It’s alright,” Tifa smiles at his elbow. “Just say something next time. You nearly gave me a heart attack.”</p><p>That’s not allowed to happen. Tifa needs to stay healthy and happy. He steps closer. Tifa frowns, staring in his direction.</p><p>“Cloud? Is everything alright? Did you have another nightmare?”</p><p>He hesitates, unsure of what he even wants to say. It occurs to him that Tifa is like him, in a sense. He had to see the same scenery for four years, all by himself. But she has to see the same darkness every day of her life…</p><p>“I don’t understand,” he whispers.</p><p>Tifa frowns.</p><p>Before she can ask, he continues, “You see the same dark… every day. How do you not go insane?”</p><p>That question, he’s sure, would get any other person the cold shoulder or a slap. But Tifa has always been so patient. It’s one of the things he loves about her.</p><p>“Cloud,” her lips quirk back up in that smile he adores. She reaches out for his hand and he takes it. “You can’t compare my situation to yours. They’re very different. Out there, you were physically and emotionally alone. Me? I might be in the dark, but I have so much <em>colour </em>in my life. There’s you, my Blue, and Aerith, my Pink, and Marlene and Barret—my smiling Yellows. Even Zack. Though I’m not sure what colour he feels like yet. I have all of you. I don’t need to see colour to feel it.”</p><p>The determined glint in her eyes, the way she smiles, Gods, he wishes he could experience the world the way she does, he wishes he could feel that certainty. But he’s not as brave as her, or as good. He can barely leave the apartment without getting overwhelmed…</p><p>“Now, don’t get me wrong… I’m not saying that a few people can cure you or magically make things better. But they make life bearable. <em>You </em>make life bearable. I know things are hard right now, Cloud, but I’m here for you. And I believe in you.”</p><p>Her love, the trust, is so much that Cloud can’t face it yet. “<em>How</em>?” he blurts out. “How can you believe in me when I…” <em>Can’t even believe in me</em>, he doesn’t say.</p><p>She pauses and for a moment Cloud fears that he was too snappy, that he showed her too much of his ugly side, that she’ll slip away and then—</p><p>“Here,” she guides his hands to the piano, guides his fingers through a few notes.</p><p>Cloud blinks at her helplessly, then remembering that she can’t see that, asks, “What are you doing?”</p><p>“When I feel overwhelmed, when I can’t believe in myself, when words aren’t enough… I play. I focus on the piano and things… don’t get better, but they’re… bearable. Try it.”</p><p>He stares down at her pale hand against his, at how the world feels like just Cloud and Tifa again, Blue and Ruby.</p><p>He plays.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> <span class="u">Now:</span> </em>
</p><p>She’s practising again when he gets home. Aerith and Zack are out, likely on a date after work. Lately those two have been attached at the hip. Tifa jokes that she and Cloud are becoming more like freeloaders to a honeymooning couple.</p><p>Cloud makes sure to make his steps loud so she’ll know he’s home. The playing, unfortunately, stops, as she calls out, “Welcome back! Dinner’s in the oven if you need it! Come join me when you’re done!” Her piano resumes.</p><p>He huffs, a smile tugging on his lips. Whenever Tifa gets the chance, she gets him to sit with her and play old duets. Sometimes, she just plays, and he listens. Sometimes, he’ll bring back parts of what he’s working on for her to touch and share.</p><p>Cloud wanders to the kitchen, marvelling again at how Tifa outcooks them all. There’s a note in braille by the counter. Cloud’s been learning since high school, wanting to be able to write to her but never having the courage to mail that letter.</p><p>His fingers brush against the raised dots and his heart clenches.</p><p><em>Don’t work too hard, Cloud</em>, Tifa wrote, <em>You’re already good enough.</em></p><p>Today’s a good enough day that he actually believes it.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong> <span class="u">Green</span> </strong>
</p><p>He kisses her on the cheek shortly after, and she turns bright red.</p><p>“What’s that for?” she asks, hushed.</p><p>“Just a thank you,” he whispers. And more.</p><p>:</p><p>“Tifa seems happier lately,” Zack remarks, on their weekly ‘boy’s night.’ Zack insisted on them after Cloud started doing daily piano sessions with Tifa. Cloud doesn’t think Zack should feel guilty over what happened with the MIND Expansion project but once again, Zack always defies expectations and says he should.</p><p>Cloud smiles a little. “Yeah.”</p><p>“<em>You </em>seem happier too. I’m glad, buddy. Work’s been good for you. Tifa’s been good for you. I’m glad you’ve been cool with her new beau and all.”</p><p>Cloud spits out his drink.</p><p>“Uh… okay. Never mind. You didn’t know. Wow, look at the time, I need to go… home…”</p><p>“You <em>live </em>here, Zack.”</p><p>“Oh right.”</p><p>“Beau?!” He thought… well, he thought he and Tifa were in a relationship! When? Why? How? <em>Why?</em></p><p>“Oh my god, you really didn’t know. I mean, I’m pretty sure <em>I’m </em>not supposed to know either. Aerith hasn’t said anything to me. Neither has Tifa!”</p><p>Cloud glares at him.</p><p>“Information. <em>Now</em>.”</p><p>“Well, he might not be her boyfriend! I just assumed! I mean, he’s some guy named Rude. He works security at Shinra and he gave her his number. Rude seems like… <em>really </em>happy lately so I thought he finally scored a date with her.”</p><p>“So you <em>don’t </em>know if they’re dating.” Damn Zack and his twisting words.</p><p>“Yeah, sorry man, I was just teasing. Rude just seemed really happy and I thought that was the only explanation. Maybe it had something to do with his buddy Reno...”</p><p>“Next time. Don’t.”</p><p>“Right, right, sorry. So then… are you and Tifa a thing then? Because if you are, I had no idea. I’m sorry.”</p><p>Cloud opens his mouth to reply yes when he pauses. Now that he thinks about it… <em>are </em>they together? They’ve never gone on dates because Cloud was recovering from being in Limbo, and he’s always felt their piano sessions were something sacred… something beyond dates. He knows Tifa loves him but he’s never formally asked her out… what if she doesn’t think they’re in a relationship? What if she <em>does </em>go out with this Rude on a date?</p><p>“I… don’t know.”</p><p>Zack stares at him. “How do you not know?!”</p><p>“Well, I know how she feels about me… but I’ve never… asked her out… or said anything back…”</p><p>“<em>You never said it back?!</em>”</p><p>“I didn’t think I needed to! She knows how I feel! I think! I know how <em>she </em>feels.” In Limbo, he felt her love broadcasting and surrounding him, guiding him back to his body. How could he not know after that?</p><p>“You can’t just assume that! You gotta confirm it with words!”</p><p>“I know she loves me!”</p><p>“But does <em>she </em>know you love <em>her?</em>”</p><p>He… wants to say yes. But he can’t remember what he broadcasted to her in Limbo. All the memories are jumbled up. The only clear thing was her love for him. He’s sure she saw his memories of the car crash, his mother’s date, his insecurities… but did she see his love too?</p><p>Seeing the look on Cloud’s face, Zack sits back down. “Okay, deep breaths buddy. Look, she obviously cares about you. Her actions speak for herself. But some things you just have to say, just to make sure. Tifa relies a lot on sound and touch, that’s how she feels settled.”</p><p>Cloud glares at him.</p><p>“Hey, I didn’t hear it from her. Aerith told me so I’d be more considerate of Tifa! And, hello, I have a degree in psychology. I can figure these things out. Either way, you should <em>really </em>talk to Tifa so you two can sort out where you are in your relationship.”</p><p>“…I guess I always assumed she’d be waiting for me.”</p><p>Zack stares at him.</p><p>“Dude. That’s why you have to <em>ask </em>this stuff. She’s a person. You can’t just assume something as important as that. How do you think she feels?”</p><p>:</p><p>That question haunts Cloud for the rest of the day. Has he been hurting Tifa this whole time without knowing it? He’s been trying not to be a burden, but lately he feels more comfortable around himself, like he and Tifa are slipping back to how they used to be.</p><p>But there’s so much he hasn’t told her. Tifa lives in a world where sound and touch anchors her and gives her ‘colours.’ By keeping quiet about his past, his insecurities, has he been hurting her?</p><p>“Cloud?” Tifa pauses from her reading, her hand in mid-sentence on a page. “Are you alright?”</p><p>He doesn’t answer, busy studying her face, the dark circles around her eyes. He’s catalogued as many of her smiles as he can, turning them over in his memory, trying to discern the meaning of each one. She’s tired, just as overworked as he is, and yet she always smiles.</p><p>“…Are you?”</p><p>Tifa parts her lips in surprise before her smile blossoms. “I’m fine, Cloud. Just taking a break, reading a bit about binary stars.”</p><p>But is she fine? There’s so much unspoken between them, so many important things they never say. He wants her to be able to talk to him about her pains, her stress. Not just the stars or their hopes or the highs of the day. He wants her lows too, he wants her to be able to trust him with her secrets, like she does Aerith. He wants her to be able to cry in front of him, so he can be her anchor too. He wants to be in a relationship with her, the good and the bad and the ugly and the beautiful.</p><p>“…Sometimes you need words too…” he whispers to himself.</p><p>“What was that?” Tifa asks.</p><p>“Nothing. Just something Zack just opened my eyes too.”</p><p>Cloud has a plan.</p><p>Tifa’s eyebrows raise up. “As long as it’s not more unethical science that can put you in danger, leave me out of it.”</p><p>Cloud settles by her side, brushing her hands by his as he reads along too. “Nothing like that.”</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong> <span class="u">Colours</span> </strong>
</p><p>Tifa speaks in music. Cloud’s always known that. But he’s never really listened until now. Listening to Tifa’s recorded concerts, the ones about a <em>Reminiscence in Blue</em>, he finally understands.</p><p>She loves him. She’s always loved him. He knew it from Limbo but hearing it in music changes everything.</p><p>Cloud isn’t an astronaut; he can’t save the girl he loves from her father or the dark. She saved herself. He’s not a pianist like she is, or as patient or as kind. He’s not as strong emotionally and he’s weak and insecure.</p><p>But he can build better machines to protect future excavators, he makes Zack smile. He’s a source of amusement for Aerith and he looks out for Aerith’s cousin Denzel. He knows when Tifa needs a gentle touch and how to paint the stars with words for her. He’s just… Cloud. And somehow, that’s enough.</p><p>He sits down in front of the piano and begins to play.</p><p>:</p><p>When Tifa comes home, Cloud is ready. Her favourite dessert is on the table, as well as his attempt at dinner (a charred salmon and rice). He has a bouquet of lilies waiting, courtesy of Aerith. Zack took Aerith out for the night, with a wink, and Cloud dressed in his most comfortable clothes.</p><p>He hears her before she unlocks the door and opens it for her.</p><p>“Cloud! You’re home early!” Her smile widens when he takes her bag and coat.</p><p>“Took the day off.”</p><p>“Oh? Is it a special occasion? A birthday I forgot about?”</p><p>“You never forget a birthday, Tifa.”</p><p>“Right. That’s more Zack’s department.”</p><p>He huffs in agreement.</p><p>“So… what’s up? Is that caramel I smell? And lilies? Are Zack and Aerith going to have a date again in the apartment? I told them to give us some warning so we can find somewhere else to be beforehand—”</p><p>“Not Zack and Aerith.”</p><p>Tifa’s brow furrows. “Then…”</p><p>Cloud steps closer.</p><p>“Not Zack and Aerith,” he whispers.</p><p>The realization dawns on her face, her jaw drops and she looks… frightened. Unsure. “Cloud… is this…?”</p><p>“Wait,” he says quickly, before he can lose his nerve. “Just… wait. I need you to listen first. And then… you can speak. And I promise, this time, I’ll listen.”</p><p>Their roles are reversed, Cloud tugging Tifa along by the hand while Tifa seems lost. They walk to the music room, sitting down by the piano bench. Tifa sucks in a breath, but Cloud puts a finger against her lips.</p><p>“Please… listen.”</p><p>Then he plays.</p><p>His piano isn’t as eloquent or as skilled as Tifa’s. It’s clumsy, just as unsure, the mark of an amateur, but even Cloud can churn out a simple melody, an answer to her song. His melody clunks along, quiet and unsteady until it’s joined by his left hand, a calm and lovely accompaniment. There’s hope there, so much hope, but all through the song, he thinks of her smile.</p><p>He thinks of the first time he saw her. He thinks of the day he read her Stellar EYEs application, the tug at her heart that <em>she wanted to see him again</em>. He thinks of how happy he felt just from hearing her voice. He thinks of how much he wants to be more to her, to treasure her.</p><p>His ending isn’t the best, he doesn’t know how to end the song quite yet. But clumsily, he does, and then, before Tifa can say anything about his playing, he blurts out, “I love you.” The words tumble out, lest they be stopped by his unsteadiness. “I’m sorry I didn’t answer you earlier. But I was afraid that you’d reject me. I thought I wasn’t good enough. That excuse isn’t enough for what I’ve put you through, but I want to try to be better. <em>With you</em>. I want everything with you Tifa, your hurts, your worries, all of your pet peeves and pain. I want to take care of you, like you do me. I’ve loved you since the first day I heard you play the piano, and I don’t want you to wait forever to hear me say it.”</p><p>Tifa’s eyes fill up with tears and Cloud panics, thinking he read her all wrong, that his memories of Limbo were fake and contrived dreams when—</p><p>“You love me?” her lips tremble. “You really love me?”</p><p>Ah… Zack was right. Cloud was truly blind.</p><p>“I do,” he whispers.</p><p>“And you never thought I was a bother.”</p><p>“No, never!” If anything, he always thought <em>he </em>was the bother. He’ll spend every day of his life showing her how much of a light she is to him, if she’ll stay.</p><p>Tifa begins to laugh, leaning her head against his chest. “Oh my god… we’re so stupid.”</p><p>“Stupidly in love,” he points out. Then pauses. “You… do love me… right?”</p><p>Her laughter makes her tears fall on his lap. “I do. I do love you, Cloud Strife.”</p><p>Cloud and Tifa learn another way to speak, through kisses on the piano, feeling all the colours of touch. And as Cloud kisses Tifa Lockhart, he understand what falling means, he understands why stars falls to the earth, if it means they get to touch heaven.</p><p>:</p><p>“So…” Cloud says as Tifa lies against his chest in bed. “Does that mean we’re in a relationship now?”</p><p>“…”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“Cloud, I thought we were already in a relationship. I mean, we already felt each other’s feelings in Limbo. I was just waiting for you to be ready.”</p><p>He can feel Zack laughing at him. He really can.</p><p>But… he thinks, some things really do need to be said to truly hear them.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>My cover art for this fanfiction is <a href="https://youlighttheskyart.tumblr.com/post/617065694919606272/cover-image-for-my-fanfic-stellar-eyes-summary">here</a></p><p>FANART by the talented Jay <a href="https://youlighttheskyart.tumblr.com/post/618143805098606592/youlighttheskyfanfiction-submission-by-jay">here</a></p><p>Always happy to get prompts at my <a href="https://twitter.com/youlightthesky1">twitter</a>, my <a href="http://youlighttheskyfanfiction.tumblr.com/">writing tumblr</a>, or my <a href="https://youlighttheskyart.tumblr.com/">art tumblr</a> I also have a <a href="https://www.pillowfort.social/youlighttheskyfanfiction"> pillowfort </a> now where I will put more reflections on my teaching and writing. Aka, what my writing tumblr should have been ahaha</p></blockquote></div></div>
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